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The 'Royal Marriage': Why Opposites Are a Key to Growth

Those of us in committed relationships have decidedly experienced the sense of being in a crucible as we work to understand and negotiate differences between our partners and ourselves.
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Caught some of the news coverage on the royal wedding -- Prince William and Kate Middleton -- and I'm sure I'm not the only one! A sense of anticipation, a lot of pageantry, an enormous range of feelings, including expectation and excitement. And now William and Kate begin to settle into the realities of the marriage and what it means.

OK, stay with me here, because this may seem like a 90-degree turn. On a seemingly unrelated topic, there's something else happening this summer that matters a great deal to a large number of people. Some of us are aware that there's a fairly popular movie series coming to an end this summer. Some might call it a rousing conclusion. Others, the culmination of a movie phenomenon.

I'm talking about "Harry Potter," of course!

What do the royal marriage and "Harry Potter" have in common? They're both British, yes, certainly. Lots of fans, yes. What else? There are many good answers here, but I'm looking at a specific commonality.

It's alchemy.

In alchemy, the conjunction of opposites -- the union of seemingly separate elements to give birth to and reveal a higher form -- is often referred to as the "royal marriage." This marriage is of fundamental concern to alchemists because it is a key to transformation, to personal and social evolution.

Nicolas Flamel was a famous historical alchemist (Isaac Newton was another) who played a passing, fictional part in the first "Harry Potter" book and movie; Flamel had created the philosopher's stone. (The book was released in the U.K. with the title "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.") In alchemy the philosopher's stone is a substance said to be able to turn base metals into gold, and is also purportedly able to confer youth and extended life on those who partake of it.

In a previous blog, I referred to the psychological processes of Thinking and Feeling. Specifically I wrote about the phenomenon of tough-minded females and warm-hearted males.

Interestingly, Jung, on whose work that model of psychological types is based, was very interested in alchemy as a process that described the stages of personal individuation. For Jung, the quest for the evolution of one's psyche could be understood through such metaphors as the conjunction of opposites (e.g., Thinking and Feeling) to yield the philosopher's stone.

Jung, using an alchemical metaphor, often referred to marriage as the crucible of consciousness.

I'll say.

Those of us in committed relationships have decidedly experienced the sense of being in a crucible as we work to understand and negotiate differences between our partners and ourselves:

"He doesn't know a stranger. I like my time alone." (Extraversion vs. Introversion)

"I'm grounded, and she's imaginative." (Sensing vs. Intuition)

"She's tough-minded. I'm warm-hearted." (Thinking vs. Feeling)

"He's organized, and I'm adaptable." (Judging vs. Perceiving)

A successful relationship requires a space in which such differences can be "held," where something new and higher can emerge as a result of the union of the complementary opposites. Two people (two psyches) are thrown together, and the heat is turned up. The crucible, the holding space, contains the process of transformation.

But why oh why do these transformative "opportunities" so often emerge at bedtime? I'm guessing I'm not the only one who's felt the urge to shut down just to stop dealing with "the issue." It's late and I'm tired. It's at those times I especially want to go unconscious, but it doesn't have to be bedtime to feel as though I want to jump out of the crucible.

And that's the rub of all this. You can't simply go unconscious, not if you want to transform the relationship and yourself into something different, something new and higher. You can't simply cover your head with a pillow just because it's an uncomfortable conversation.

A marriage of opposites means that something comes out of the crucible that is different -- more -- than the two separate elements that went in. The two people that went in to the crucible both come out changed. The Thinking type has learned the importance of Feeling and has more access to it -- hopefully. The Feeling type has acquired -- if the work has been done -- more access to Thinking.

Why stay in the crucible? Why put up with the pain and discomfort of all this, well, work?

Because inside we know that there is something deeper and higher in us that is served by staying in the crucible. In fact, we already are this deeper and higher thing. The lead and the gold.

The royal marriage -- between two people and within oneself -- serves something more than the couple or the individual. Whom does the grail serve? The land.

The grail -- that's another story!

Now back to the complementary opposites that compose psychological type: Extraversion-Introversion, Sensing-Intuition, Thinking-Feeling and Judging-Perceiving.

Jung believed that in the process of personal development, we first specialize, and then we generalize. It's natural and necessary to start early in life as, say, an Extravert, with Intuition, Thinking and Perceiving. In specializing, we develop confidence and competence in being who we are naturally inclined to be.

In this specialization, it is all too easy to believe, from the stance of Extraversion, that Introversion is a little less good somehow, or vice versa from the stance of Introversion. When Extraverts and Introverts are partners, the real work lies in finding a space where the value of both can be appreciated.

We continue the process of development throughout life as we generalize. We attempt to reintegrate the complementary opposites we earlier pushed aside (e.g., Introversion, Sensing, Feeing and Judging). The royal marriage, the work in the crucible, can then, possibly, happen.

The royal marriage can occur between partners (e.g., when one is Thinking and one is Feeling) to yield a higher form -- a stronger, more enlightened relationship. That alchemical marriage also happens within individuals (often as a result of bumping up against people who are different from you, of course). Continuing with Extraversion-Introversion as our example, the royal marriage within the individual would mean learning to honor the reality and importance of both our outer and our inner lives.

On our paths to personal evolution, we are asked, over and over, to find the meaning and gift in the seeming opposites: Extraversion-Introversion, Sun-Moon, Head-Heart, Heaven-Earth, Yin-Yang. We must hold the opposites in the crucible of ourselves and learn to be comfortable with the discomfort of their seemingly competing needs. Out of that can arise the philosopher's stone. We grow. Magic not only becomes possible but has already happened.

Here's another pairing. Work-Play. Sometimes you have to take a break from the work and just play. Does that mean it's OK to cover my head with a pillow sometimes? "Sweetie, I'm tired."

I wish William and Kate a life of love and transformation, a life and marriage that yields the philosopher's stone for them -0 individually, as a couple and for the land.

Oh, and I'm looking forward to that movie, too!

Magic. Lead into gold. For sure.