Russia Offers Trump, Cruz and Fiorina Political Asylum

Russia's President Vladimir Putin gestures after signing a treaty on the Ukrainian Black Sea Crimea peninsula becoming part o
Russia's President Vladimir Putin gestures after signing a treaty on the Ukrainian Black Sea Crimea peninsula becoming part of Russia in the Kremlin in Moscow on March 18, 2014, with Crimean parliament speaker Vladimir Konstantinov and Alexei Chaly, Sevastopol's new de facto mayor. AFP PHOTO/KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV (Photo credit should read KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV/AFP/Getty Images)

Today, Russia carried out yet another audacious foreign policy move -- this time a blatant, unprovoked invasion of American presidential politics.

In an interview with Soviet newspapers, including The Daily Newsky and The Moscow Mouthpiece, Russian President Vladimir Putin, said:

"I have been watching the Republican race for the Presidency on CNN -- the Capitalist Nonsense Network as we Reds like to call it -- and I feel very sorry for Americans Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina. I would therefore like to offer them political asylum because they appear to be very unhappy with life in the US, and besides their aims, goals and values appear to be the same as ours here in Russia.

Donald Trump for example, is a no nonsense dictatorial guy who crushes his enemies and wants to drive Barack Obama from power. So as he said himself, I think we'll get on famously here in Russia -- as long as I remain more famous than him and he gives me 99% of every ruble he makes when he builds casinos in the Kremlin.

Ted Cruz almost single handedly shut down the entire American Government in 2013 and is looking to do it again at every opportunity -- and that is absolutely in keeping with our foreign policy goals too. So he will be welcomed as a hero in our country, and our generals are going to love the fact that he's named after a missile.

And Carly Fiorina seems to be able to lie convincingly about the existence of things that may not actually exist -- like those Planned Parenthood videos she claims to have seen, for example. And that's impressed everyone in our republic because we lie convincingly about all sorts of things too! Ukraine, Syria, you name it!

So, I hereby invite these three Americans to be our comrades in Russia and I offer them the services of my personal airline, Vladi-flot, to get them here."

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Photographers: Gage Skidmore, Michael Vadon, Gage Skidmore

In a surprising statement from the White House, President Obama made clear his support for Putin's offer. He said:

"Although we've had our differences, I would like to thank President Putin for offering political asylum to Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina. And in the interests of improving relations between our two countries, I will be working around the clock to encourage them to accept his offer immediately -- and by the close of business today if humanly possible!"

Late today in an "off the record" conversation with Rolling Stone Magazine -- which immediately published his comments as "on the record"-- Obama was far more candid.

He said: "Look, for God sake don't quote me publicly here, but, given all the crazy comments these Republican nut jobs have made, I'm surprised that Russia hasn't offered them mental asylum instead of political asylum. But hey, whatever works at this point. I just want these dingbats out of here!

And between you and me, if Trump, Cruz and Fiorina don't go to Russia voluntarily, I will use an executive order -- boy do I love those executive orders!! -- to extradite them on the basis that they are threat to the security and even the very existence of the United States. Because trust me, if one of these lunatics gets elected President and has their finger on the nuclear button, the consequences, as Donald Trump likes to say, could be huuuuuuuuuge!"

To the surprise of many international observers, Putin's offer and Obama's public and private comments were well received in the U.S. Indeed, Americans across the political spectrum rushed to sign a petition in support of political asylum and/or extradition. Signatories included millions of Democrats, all Republican Presidential candidates not named Trump, Cruz and Fiorina, and every single sane person left in the GOP -- rumored to be no more than one individual, known as John McCain.

At the time of writing, the Trump, Cruz and Fiorina camps had no comment to make whatsoever. However, in late breaking news, Edward Snowden, said: "Trump, Cruz and Fiorina may be coming to Russia?? Oh my God! Get me out of here!"