"There is a curious paradox that no one can explain..."
-The Fantasticks-
Every week I am bombarded with emails and phone calls from vendors I have never heard of, all asking for me to recommend them to my clients.
"But I don't know you," and "We've never worked together," seem to make the other party go radio silent. Fifty percent of the time though, the follow up question is in regard to what can they offer as an incentive to get into my vendor book.
Um... how about a solid product and/or service and reliability?
That's not what they mean though. I know it, they know it, and you know it. But I always force their hand and make them admit that they are willing to pay me a kickback for every job I book them.
Truthfully, I do not take commission, and I never have. Other planners have called me "stupid" for this, but I like to sleep at night knowing that the vendors I am recommending to my clients are ones that I actually, like for real, trust and can vouch for. I'm a planner, not a politician, and vendors can't buy advertising space in my book. Maybe I am stupid, but I think the planners that are taking kickbacks in exchange for recommending vendors without being upfront with their clients are trashy. To each their own.
What is curious to me is for the amount of inquiries I receive from vendors looking for me to give them money when I don't know them, I also get stuck with vendors brushing me off and working around me. Even though I have brought plenty of business to my preferred vendors, there are those out there that knowing I could refer them in the future, still kick sand in my face.
The best example I can give is anytime a couple comes to me after booking anything else. This can be just the venue, or it can be the venue and a handful of vendors. But whatever it is, rest assured that it is not always an easy job to be tagged in late in the game. Frequently, I will reach out to vendors that are already on board and be met with ignored emails and calls. Sometimes I will be able to speak to those previously booked vendors and they make it fairly clear that they were hired by the couple and they are working with the couple. No matter the delivery or what words are used, plenty of vendors attempt to keep me at arm's length.
So, on the one hand, I have a group of people harassing me (a blast email with your resume asking me to recommend you is harassment) to get in my book, and on the other hand I have those that don't recognize or don't care that I could bring them future business.
The sandbox is not my favorite place on the playground.
The level of frustration that I reach when a vendor refuses to pick up the phone and talk to me, or when a venue relays messages to me through the couple, is immeasurable. Bottom line is that I get it. I know why you don't like planners. But we haven't worked together and you don't know me. At the same time though, I am really getting to know you and fast. And I am telling our now mutual client about your bad behavior.
Because here's what is really ridiculous about when you're a jerk to the planner that is now involved in the wedding you are working on: you are only damaging the client's wedding.
There are three reasons a venue or a vendor does not want a wedding planner involved:
1.They had a bad experience or several where a planner was involved.
2.They are insecure/intimidated about having to answer to both their client and now a planner, too.
3.They truly believe that a wedding planner is a fake job.
First of all, I get the whole bad experience thing. There are dozens of planners that I don't really care for, and they typically are the same ones that my preferred vendors cannot stand. They make their own timelines, they don't contact the vendors before the wedding, they tell everyone how to do their job, and so forth. I get it because I've seen it. You think you as a photographer/DJ/band/videographer/elephant walker don't like those planners? Try not being that type of planner and then losing jobs to them. Talk to me when your prospective client is telling you about how much less Planner B is charging for the "exact same product" when you know damn well that the product isn't the same.
I can already hear the DJs and photographers racing to the comments section to tell me that they have the same problem. Yes. I know. I am well aware of how everyone is an "anything" in this industry. How many "models" are on Instagram? I get it. We all have this issue and it's not just something planners deal with.
So how about you keep that in mind before dismissing every single planner that is trying to work with you?
For the venue or vendor that becomes intimidated once a planner gets involved, well I really do not know what to tell you. It is not the planner's fault that you are intimidated or unsure of your work. However, the planner will be able to tell if that is the reason and if the planner is a jerk, they are going to take advantage of that. I don't see this whole insecurity thing happen too often, but it is the reason every once in awhile. In fact, I have had vendors admit to me that they were worried once I was hired because they knew the people on my "list" in their category, and they knew they weren't on it. Whatever, because if you're awesome and my client loves you, then odds are I'm going to want to recommend you in the future. See how that works? And you don't even have to pay me!! Jackpot!
Lastly are the vendors that roll their eyes when they hear the words "wedding planner". This ranges from the venues that tell their clients how a wedding planner "isn't needed" because they handle everything, to the vendors that try to wear every hat they can just to prove how pointless a wedding planner is. These people want to look like the hero when they really are spreading themselves too thin and can't do what the planner was hired to do.
I'm not contouring a bride's face, pairing wines with the pear salad, selecting the perfect blend of music or setting up the first look. Those things are not my job and I refuse to pretend that they are. I am a firm believer in hiring professionals to do what they are good at and then trusting them along the way. And here's the thing: if your client wants to hire a wedding planner and you are telling them what a stupid idea that is, you are basically calling your client stupid.
You think you are showing the client what a master of the universe you are, but while you're pounding your chest and refusing to be a team player, your client is questioning what other stupid ideas they had. If you can't deliver results as the vendor you were hired to be as well as everything you've promised to do that a planner would've done, then maybe the client will see you as another stupid decision.
The thing is, I, and many other planners I know, truly want to work with everyone involved when planning a wedding. It's a team sport and a good planner knows and respects that. However, as much as a planner's job is to protect their client from any drama, those really good planners are going to bring bad behavior to their client's attention. Why? Because when anything goes wrong on the day of the wedding (seriously, including the weather) it will always be blamed on the planner. Personally, I am not going down in flames for something I tried my best to prevent and fix but couldn't because some putz vendor was too busy dumping sand on my head.
I will say though, it's satisfying at the end of a wedding to hear from those vendors that threw sand in my face, that they were pleasantly surprised at how easy I was to work with. I'll hear stories of how other planners tried to tell them how to do their job, how their timeline needs were ignored, and sometimes how they didn't even know a planner was involved until they showed up on the day of the wedding. These and more are all great stories and tend to include amusing details.
I just wish our relationship could've started with them, instead of beginning with me getting a sand bucket thrown at my head.
Not all planners suck. Some even might send business your way after working together just once. So, play nice in the sandbox.
Please.