Yesterday Santa Claus announced that children should not expect a visit from him this Christmas.
"The revenue side our business model was insane," Santa Claus stated. "That is why we are rebranding, changing our logo and repricing our entire line."
"To improve the consumer experience we modernized our distribution system. Our prior system was inefficient and ruinously expensive. No place on Earth is more distant from major metro markets than the North Pole. And federal regulators have made sleigh-in-the-sky delivery impossible," Santa said.
Santa revealed that the FAA is seeking an injunction preventing sleighs from entering commercial airspace while the EPA has asked to prohibit all sleigh flights until Santa files environmental impact statements. The Department of Agriculture classified flying reindeer as invasive pests and demanded tests for clostridial diseases, brucellosis, grass staggers, foot and mouth disease and bluetongue prior to entering the United States. OSHA asserted that electrification of reindeer noses and a geriatric 300-pound man sliding down chimneys are hazardous work practices.
In a related lawsuit the FTC contended that Santa had engaged in anti-competitive practices of predatory pricing to undercut domestic toy manufacturers.
Starting Dec. 21, 2013 Amazon will handle the billing and fulfillment for all of Santa's products.
Santa announced that all production will be outsourced to China. This outsourcing eliminates legal issues that bedeviled the North Pole-based conglomerate. According to a company spokesperson, the Department of Justice had filed a workplace discrimination suit because Santa refused to hire job applicants over four feet in height and his helpers are overwhelmingly white males. The Department of Labor asserted that Santa's workshop was, in fact, Santa's sweatshop. Elves routinely worked eighty-hour weeks in unheated factories and were never paid for overtime. NLRB was investigating allegations that Santa employed threats, spies and pressure tactics to suppress an Elves campaign for union recognition.
"Ho Ho Ho. Don't worry about the laid-off Elves," Santa chortled. "Last time I checked the unemployment rate in the North Pole was close to zero. And if they can't find work here they can join a midget circus, under new names." Santa owns the rights to the names "Elves" and "Elf" and has refused to license these to the laid-off workers. Santa recently announced that beginning in 2014 he would rigorously enforce his intellectual property rights. A royalty fee will be levied for any use of, or reference to, the image, likeness or appearance Santa, Elves and flying reindeer.
"While we adhere to our traditions and our core values, to better serve our customers we need to employ modern business methods," Santa continued. "We will no longer rely on soft, fuzzy, subjective metrics such as number of joyful children. We will focus on hard data -- return on equity, inventory turnover, gross margins and working capital ratios."
Santa revealed that in order to better serve the the world's children, he was planning a management buy out with financing provided by private equity firms and would change the corporate name to "Sanity Clause."