In a crowded press conference early Tuesday morning, Satan announced his disavowal of both gay marriages and civil unions. "I know there are a lot of people who might think I'm in favor of this," he said, "but you couldn't be more wrong. My perfect world involves the fevered debasement of flesh and the absolute corruption of the spirit, not two happy people living out in the suburbs building a life together. Frankly, just the thought of these 'families' hosting barbecues and going to baseball games makes me sick."
Satan told the story of one example, Gary Ross, whom he said he considered a particular disappointment. "Gary moved to New York City from Indiana six years ago, got into the club scene, participated in orgies and anonymous sex, took drugs, and maintained all sorts of behavior we condone and encourage. But then he met Patrick Stevens. Recently they moved out to Long Island and got a chocolate lab puppy. Now we here, and I speak for the entire organization, see Gary and Patrick's publicly stated desire to join in a loving and eternal union as just another step down a long, sad road."
During the Q&A Satan was asked if he considered state-sanctioned civil unions to be a reasonable compromise. He replied no, because even though it wasn't a spiritual act like marriage, in his eyes any acceptance of love was strictly forbidden, especially if it came with good health insurance. The only behavior he could endorse, he said, were acts that promoted hate and misery, along with any prejudices that ripped communities apart.
Answering a reporter's final question on the fate of gay couples, Satan snapped back, "All I can say is, if any of these so called 'couples' think they're going to have a nice hot seat in a circle of hell, they'll be sorely disappointed. As much as it pains me to exclude anyone from the fires of eternal damnation, we just won't let them in."