Satire: Get Ready for Tonight's Democratic Town Hall

Look at transcript of January 17 debate

Watching The Democratic Presidential Town Hall

The three candidates are expected to emphasize...

The Iowa Democratic Party and Drake University will co-host a CNN Town Hall tonight in Des Moines. The three Democratic presidential candidates -- Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley -- will be on hand.

  • The moderator will be Chris Cuomo, brother of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and son of former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo. If you close your eyes, Chris sounds like his father. If you open your eyes, Chris looks like his brother.

  • This hastily scheduled Town Hall comes barely a week after the fourth debate held Jan. 17 in Charleston, South Carolina, and co-sponsored by the Congressional Black Caucus Institute. Even if you watched that debate, you may find new insights in the highlights below. For example, when Bernie Sanders moved his lips, words did not always come out. We used a signer to interpret those unspoken words.
  • The three candidates are expected to emphasize the familiar themes that were apparent in last week's debate, minus the pandering to African-Americans, since the Iowa audience is overwhelmingly white.
  • BERNIE: Hillary, you said no one is too big to jail. I agree, but I don't talk about your yoga emails, or whether you identified intelligence sources on your unsecured server who then maybe were murdered. You also said women victims of sexual assault should be believed. But anytime I'm asked, I say I won't comment on your husband's disgraceful behavior. Did you know I'm winning among young Democrat women? My platform is simple - gold-plated health care for every man, child and woman, and an immediate minimum wage of 15 dolluhs an hour. And no child labuh under the age of 21. I don't mean to brag, but I have a D-minus from the NRA. I am from a rural state without gun control so I can bring people together. Hillary, you got 600,000 dolluhs for a couple of speeches from Goldman, Sachs. And Chelsea got 26,724 dolluhs per minute from NBC. Chelsea says she doesn't care about money, but she lives in a 10 million-dolluh condo.

    HILLARY: I just want to say Bernie voted to let guns go on Amtrak and in national parks. And in 1973 Bernie said no guns for Israel during the Yom Kippur War. And one of every three African-American men will be in prison at some point.

    MARTIN: My position is -- wages should go up rather than down. Climate change will create jobs.

    BERNIE: CEOs of Wall Street are still free, but we have mass incarceration of African-Americans, Senator Clinton, because under President Clinton, African-Americans using crack cocaine were given draconian sentences, while Gordon Gecko could snort cocaine with impunity. Greed is not good, Senator Clinton, but I won't talk about the billionaires who gave money to your foundation, and what they expect in return. Trump gave money and you went to his wedding. That was a profound violation of the public trust. Do you go to weddings of African-Americans who don't give you money? I want to end penalties for marijuana because too many African-Americans use it. And anyone killed in police custody should trigger an investigation by the attorney general and a cabinet member dispatched to the funeral. No questions asked. We should make each police department look like the community. If that means hiring a few felons as cops, so be it.

    Bill can advise me at the kitchen table. This way I can throw a pot at him if goes to any more Caribbean orgies with Epstein.

    BERNIE: Would you speak louder or switch seats with Gov. O'Malley? If I heard you correctly, I don't think my hippie past is relevant to this election, although wait until you see my upcoming ad with Simon and Garfunkel music. By the way, as a socialist I don't believe in property rights, we didn't even pay them royalties. What about your six years on the board of anti-union Wal-Mart?

    HILLARY: That was a long time ago. I'm now meeting grandparents who are taking care of their grandchildren. That's what we should be talking about.

    BERNIE: Drug companies are responsible for drugs. People are mentally ill if they take drugs. Too many African-Americans take drugs. What am I saying? And could you not shout?

    HILLARY: That's sexist, Bernie. When women speak up, you want to put us in our place. I've been making noise about health issues since Harry Truman. I was two years old. We want men and women to pay the same insurance rates, just like they should pay the same rate at dry cleaners. That should be Federal law. Is it time for a bathroom break?

    BERNIE: Not so fast, Secretary Clinton. Chelsea says I want to end Medicare, but I want Medicare for every man woman and child as a right. And why should a poor African-American woman who smokes three packs a day pay higher insurance than a white billionaire who has a personal trainuh? I made Obamakeh a bettuh piece of legislation. My plan will save each family five thousand bucks. Medicare fuh uhl will age people quickly. Trump is right - we will tax anti-aging face creams from China. Do we have the guts to stand up to the farm-uh-sue-to-kill industry?

    MARTIN: We should have more apps. Give everyone a smart phone with health apps. All my life I've brought people together.

    BERNIE: Only the top 1 percent has apps. The American people want pay equity for women. But big contributors don't. Instead of being dependent on SupuhPacs, campaigns should depend on low-income people. Instead of buying lotto tickets the desperate poor should give money to campaigns. My political revolution will involve millions and millions.

    MARTIN: Sounds like Carl Sagan.

    HILLARY: Governor, that was billions and billions. Let's not play fast and loose with numbers. I have the credibility to take on the Republicans, especially their assault on gay rights, worker rights, senior rights, veteran rights, and women rights. I will confront their hatred of immigrants. The GOP wants BDS against LGBTs. If you are a bisexual veteran senor, I mean, African-American senior, you can count on me. Two more points. The minimum wage should be $18 an hour. Graduate school should be free, with reparations to African-American Ph.D. candidates.

    BERNIE: I'm beating you 2-to-1 among young people. I said free colleges before you. And within a yih of my swearing-in, the minimum wage will be 20 dolluhs. A quick raise to 15, then 18 will get enough workuhs laid off, employers will have extra money to pay more to the few left. Veterans should get 3 extra dolluhs an hour if somehow they can get hired at that rate. I'm the one the hedge fund operators don't want, not Hillary.

    HILLARY: Karl Rove is attacking me, Bernie. Republicans are afraid of me.

    BERNIE: Rove's ads say you, Secretary Clinton, can afford your ads because of Wall Street cash. I won't attack you personally, and I hate everything Karl stands for, but let's face it, he is right about you, Secretary Clinton.

    Just like Republicans, Bernie, you are following Karl Rove's playbook - you are insensitive toward women.

    BERNIE: I don't take money from big banks. I don't get personal speaking fees from Goldman Sachs. When you have three of the four largest banks bigger than when they were too big to fail...

    HILLARY: You've called President Obama weak and disappointing on Wall Street reform. President Obama is an African-American who took on Wall Street. And I defend him before this audience. Because Black Money Matters.

    Money is green. That reminds me -- the Green Movement has no better friend than Bernie Sanders. Also, my press secretary's last job was with Ralph Naduh. She's involved with Black Lives Mattuh. She's African-American, and her name is Symone Sanders. Her mother and I were very close.

    My 47-point plan will put cops back on the beat of Wall Street. I would just say this to Secretary Clinton -- I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, even if you are a pathological liar.

    My cops on Wall Street will have body cams.

    MARTIN: I was speaking. Senator Clinton, you brought up 9/11 to defend yourself about Wall Street. That's disgraceful.

    HILLARY: When you chaired the Republican Governors Association, you raised money from Wall Street. And Bernie, as for my speekuh fees, I mean speaker fees, Wall Street wanted to hear about the bin Laden raid.

    MARTIN: Can we put my website on the screen?

    BERNIE: The Goldman-Sachs leader is a billunair who tells us to cut Medikeh; you Secretary Clinton received 600,000 dolluhs for two or three speeches at Goldman-Sachs. African-American kids who smoke mari-wan-uh are in jail, but Goldman's CEO is still free. It's criminal that CEOs make as much money as African-American athletes; those CEOs should get a golden parachute into jail.

    HILLARY: Senator Sanders, you took cops off of Wall Street. You can go to my website Well thought out policies for debt-free tuition, six months paid maternity leave for dads and...

    MARTIN: I want to get in on this. I am a Democrat who believes in federalism. When I was governor of Maryland I learned from what other states do. Let's look now to Michigan that has welfare forms in Arabic. Soon Michigan will allow welfare for immigrants who arrive with multiple wives. We will be a stronger country for this. I'm the only one on this stage who balanced a budget.

    BERNIE: I did when I was may-uh of Burlington.

    MARTIN: I was mayor of Baltimore, which has the same population as the whole state of Vermont. Bernie, your state has two senators but only one member of Congress. Mathematically, you represent Baltimore, and look what a mess that is. We as a party believe in science. Can you join me in a moment of prayer for science?

    BERNIE: We are sek-ku-luh and will move aggressively for peace. Assad in Syria is disgusting. Secretary Clinton wants to get credit for relations with Cuba. I praised Castro 30 years ago, even when he was killing dissenters. That's because he gave health keh to everyone, except of course dissenters who didn't deserve it. I praised Daniel Ortega of Ni-kuh-rah-wuh, another man who talked about transformation even before President Oba-muh

    MARTIN: Republicans want to put boots on the ground. Instead I'll put special operators.

    That sounds nice, Governor O'Malley, but I led opposition to the Iraq war that Secretary Clinton supported. Now we should train MOOSE-LUMs to fight. Saudi Arabia should put skin in the game.

    HILLARY: President Obama wisely did not stick to his red line in Syria, and that's why we had a positive outcome. After Assad finished massacring tens of thousands with chemical weapons, he immediately let Russia get them for safekeeping. More evidence that my Russian reset worked. You need a commander-in-chief who can take the 2 I took the call because Bill was not in bed. And I spent hours in the situation room, because the bimbos were not cleared to enter so I could meditate.

    BERNIE: The U.S. should use Iranian troops against ISIS. Sadat is a butcher.

    HILLARY: You mean Assad. And Senator Sanders, I have a relationship with Putin, even if he is a bully. And I pushed for the Iranian sanctions that we now abandoned.

    BERNIE: Our defense budget is to fight communism. Only 10 percent fights ISIS.

    : We need overt intelligence and covert intelligence to understand secondary and tertiary so we can send 44 special operators to destroy ISIS. Donald Trump is a fascist. I just want to get that in.

    Appeared earlier: