I never dreamed of being a damsel in distress until now. At this point, it's exactly what I want to be. Dressed in my finery, makeup exquisite and hair done with tendrils purposefully dangling, while I hang precipitously from a tall building. The cause of my distress is hardly relevant because any number of superheroes can save me from whatever is distressing me. But which one should save me? It's important to know beforehand, because whoever comes to my rescue will, of course, be mine from then on. Which superhero has the wherewithal, charm and sheer superness to do the job to my satisfaction? Basically, which is sexiest? The choices are: Batman, The Hulk, Iron Man, Hancock and Trevor Anderson. Uh, who's that last one? He's Brendan Fraser from Journey to the Center of the Earth. Technically he's not a superhero, but he goes all the way to the center of the earth, and makes it back with his nephew and love interest in tow. He's on the list.
Looking at the superheroes juxtaposed against their real-life players makes this decision all the more difficult. Christian Bale vs. Ed Norton vs. Robert Downey Jr. vs. Will Smith vs. Brendan Fraser. All have numerous positive attributes and very few negatives.
Christian Bale: Very fine actor, incredible body, good accent, but something about him reminds of an ex I really hate, and he was a tad too convincing in American Psycho (not to mention last week's Bale family kerfuffle). No matter which movie it is, when I see him on-screen, I picture him trying to stuff a kitten in an ATM machine - that is, when he's not dancing with a chainsaw or generally losing his marbles. Batman, on the other hand, is sexily dark and haunted, just enough to be hot. He has supercool toys, he's loaded and he knows right from wrong. But his outfit is a bit tiresome, with "ears" that remind me of a Doberman Pinscher.
Ed Norton: Totally sexy in that indescribable, fantastic-actor way. Great body, great actor, but The Hulk isn't hot. He's too big and too angry to get away with yellowed teeth. Kudos for going shirtless when you get riled up, but uncontrollable rage is not sexy.
Robert Downey, Jr.: Let's just call him Mr. Sexy, Sr. He's sexy even when he's strung out because he's fantastic at everything he does. C'mon, he made Charlie Chaplin sexy, that's a tough gig. And the kicker is, he just keeps getting better. Extra points for even playing a superhero because most people wouldn't think "him" when they think "summer blockbuster superhero." Ah, but that is the x factor, his ability to shift and surprise. As for Iron Man, he's all hot, all the time because he has Robert Downey, Jr. inside of him. No, wait, it's Tony Stark in there. No, wait, is there a difference? Above all, it's just plain hot that Iron Man's heart is always powered up.
Will Smith: Who doesn't love him? Raise of hands, please. Nobody? Yes, just as I thought. He's cute, tall, funny, so cool and multi-talented. You want to hang out with him as much as make out with him. As for Hancock, he's the only one who is naturally super powered, so he gets big time points. The Hulk doesn't count because he has to get mad to summon his powers. Hancock is the Everyman, in fact, he is a man almost Everywoman has dated at one point or another. Depressed, misanthropic, amnesic about important details, drinks too much and causes damage when he could just as easily do good. But unlike regular guys, Hancock's excessive drinking doesn't prevent him from liftoff. Plus, (spoiler alert) Hancock is the only man who can legitimately use "work" as the excuse for not being with you.
Brendan Fraser: He may not be as glittery and glossy as the others but it's impossible to dislike him and every poll in the world shows likeability is what really sells. He's strong and seems so nice and, I'll admit it, he made me cry at the end of With Honors. But Trevor Anderson? Ok yes, he's an un-superpowered man, but he survives things that human beings shouldn't survive - without any fancy toys or costumes. And he does it in 3-D (in some theaters.) He hovered a few feet over a rising lava pool and he didn't get singed. He's like Indiana Jones on steroids. And you can't help but remember that he, er, Brendan Fraser, also took on The Mummy more than once.
So who wins? Who gets to rescue me and whisk me away to his supercool superpad, in a supersecret location, filled with super things? I have to give it to Trevor Anderson (with Iron Man running a close second.)
I bestow this honor for one very specific reason. Because he's not a superhero. He's what a superhero would be without special powers. He's low-key, brilliant and a professor, which means he has summers off. The other heroes have to save the world all the time, which means they'd always be late and have huge egos. Batman has cooler toys. And Tony Stark's cars are way cooler than Trevor Anderson's bicycle. But after journeying all the way to the center of the earth and bringing back huge diamonds, Trevor can buy whatever toys and cars he wants. Better yet, whatever toys and cars I want. Someone, anyone, put out an APB on Trevor Anderson. I'm going do my hair and slip out the window.