I did three crazy things today:
1) I UNsubscribed from the job ad daily alert that showed me opportunities within the government daily
2) I said NO to a potential secondment opportunity
3) I said NO to teaching yoga at a local studio for $30 an hour on weekday evenings
These were all scary moves for me, but very empowering. I cannot run myself thin. I cannot keep reaching out for more things instead of focusing on the key elements of a good life. I cannot keep thinking that my value lies in taking on another job or another opportunity. I must be still, do less, and allow my calling to blossom slowly but surely into what it's meant to be.
I feel that right now in my journey, I have a dream that seems like an impossibility. It is to teach mindfulness, to find joy and balance in my own life and help others do the same. And to do this always. I keep finding excuses to run away from this dream, but it is my calling. It is what makes the world make sense for me. And I also dream of getting paid to do this at a rate that reflects my experience and worth.
While the full version of this dream may never come true, I realize today that this is not the point. We must work diligently and kindly towards our highest calling, and it is through the journey itself that we come to open to the most beautiful parts of ourselves.
As an example, this morning I buckled down and worked on jump back and jump through, one of the most elusive and difficult parts of the Ashtanga series. Before, I would sway between giving it up altogether, or powering through hoping that somehow I would attain it. But this morning, I slowed down. I broke it down. I did less poses. I stayed in the poses longer. I noticed where I am weak, without judging.
By the end of my practice, I felt stronger, closer to the impossible goal of jumping through. And it was exhilarating. Not because I will be able to jump through one day (I may or may not), but because I honoured my desire to reach further than I have before, I learned something new.
In between my shoulders, a deep sadness emerged. I cried at having tried so hard to find a job in government that reflected my truth and failing. When I stayed with the sadness and pain, I recalled a time when an old boyfriend broke up with me. I had felt like I had tried everything in my power to find love, but it wasn't coming. Then, like now, I needed to surrender.
We move towards our goal or desire with passion, commitment and vision, but ultimately we have to let it go. We have to return to the reality that we already have everything we need, the love and purpose we desire is already within us. And ironically, when recognizing that nothing outside of us can bring us the love and purpose that we seek, we find it within ourselves, and the goals that we so desire come to us effortlessly.
For today, I embrace my greatest dreams and passions and move confidently towards them. With grace, with humility, with patience, and deep acceptance of the mystery of life.