It’s a brave new world. People can just say stuff now. Which is pretty cool, when you think about it. Because saying stuff is fun. Especially if you’re really, really rich and on T.V. all the time. That’s when saying the stuff is the most fun, I’ve noticed.
It used to be you had to say true stuff. Because if you didn’t, all the dumbasses would swoop in on their great white steeds of truth and fact check you. But we've evolved since then. There's no separating fact from fiction anymore and I think I speak for everyone when I say God bless America for that. But then I got to thinking: Why should the politicians have all the fun? I mean, I've got a blog right here. I don't need millions in "earned" media coverage. I don't need campaign ads. So, without further ado, let's just start...
Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader. And while we’re on the subject, some people are saying Colin Kaepernick is an Iranian spy. I’m not saying it. Some people are saying it. Iranian spy. It’s true.
People who won’t stand up for the National Anthem really honk me off. But what’re you gonna do, folks? I mean, unless you’re a 2nd Amendment person, there’s really nothing you can do. All I’m saying is, it really pisses me off when people won’t stand to honor the country I’m currently stockpiling weapons against.
More truth bombs:
- Mexicans didn’t even invent the taco.
- The Chinese invented the taco.
- Gatorade has electrolytes.
Kim Jong Un is actually a pretty swell guy. I mean, he’s strong. You know? For a little guy. You’ve got to be strong to do what he’s done, is all I’m saying. And I'm not just talking about walking around in platform shoes all the live long day. Oh God no. Any bimbo fat pig with an ovary can do that. No, I'm talking about the squinting that guy does. Have you seen his eyes? So squinty. It's a miracle he can seen anything. He's like Micky Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's—which, really, one the greatest portrayals of an Asian ever. Superb. Absolutely first rate, folks.
Did I say Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader? Turns out there's more to this story. And since Hillary Clinton first raised this issue—which I’m glad she did, by the way—I will now finish it. (Because, as we all know, Hillary isn't a closer.) Now, some people have said Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader, but I'm looking into the veracity of this rumor. Is it a rumor? I don't know. Fact is, we may never know. But reliable people are telling me now Elizabeth Warren is actually a nefarious Viagranese Durka traitor. Now, as well all know, the Viagranese are a noble people. Especially, I am told, when it comes to the loyalty of their Durkas. Betraying a Durka is, like, yu-uge to them. People, if this pans out, arrangements can be made with the State Department to extradite Elizabeth Warren post haste.
Tom Cruise is Pope on Planet Zarg.
All Mexicans should wear their sombreros all the time. That way, when it comes time to deport people, we can feel festive about it! But can I just say; I don’t get why we need all the illegals in the first place. I mean, there are already plenty of people in this country willing to be exploited, ignored, and abused. I see them every day. They’re called cit-i-zens. They pay taxes. Not smart!
*Sigh.* Elizabeth Warren. Okay. Since it's become a distraction to this very, very important blog, and since I want to put the whole Elizabeth Warren thing to bed so I can get on to talking about the real issues, like Miss Universes starring in porn videos and/or how negative, untruthful, and non-issue-focused Hillary Clinton's campaign is, let me just say, right here, right now, there is no such thing as a Viagranese Durka traitor. It's been completely made up. By Hillary Clinton, who is a lizard in a human suit. I've done the country a great big mega huge colossal favor in some esoteric yet meaningful way.
John Travolta is Vice Pope on Zarg.
Now on to the issues.
Donald Trump starred as himself in a movie called Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernoala Twins. Last August, he signed a pledge promising to crack down on pornography if elected. Some people are saying he will start by "cracking down" on the First Lady for all those nude photos she did that one time. I'm not saying it. Some people are saying it. All I'm saying is, if Donald Trump is elected, thank God we won't have that philanderer Bill Clinton in the White House again.