I've Been Scarred By Yoga

It might be paranoid to say that Yoga is out to get me, but Yoga is out to get me.

I might be exaggerating.

I actually adore Yoga. I've been bendy most of my life and it feels good to be able to keep up in a class. Not like that time I tried Zumba. Pretty sure I was moving like I had been stunned by a rubber mallet. And perhaps been drugged. We won't talk about my recent attempt at learning hip hop moves. It gave '"you can't touch this" a whole new meaning.

Here are just a few of my Yoga incidents. I can't bring myself to talk about the one hot Yoga class I took.

The first one happened at my current job. We had a fitness challenge at work. The person who lost the most weight got a week-long cruise. I wanted that cruise. I ended up gaining 4 lbs throughout the campaign, so I did it wrong.

My company sponsored an evening of Yoga. I had only worked here a few months and I felt self conscious about exercising in front of a bunch of people I didn't know, but like I said, I'm pretty bendy, so I knew I could get through the class.

So, I'm sitting on my yoga mat, minding my business, when I glanced to my right. There was a girl two mats down who thought it was a good idea to wear booty shorts. To a Yoga class. She was sitting with her feet flat in front of her and her knees slightly splayed. Her booty shorts had shifted. Not a little. A lot. When I glanced over, I got a full on twat shot. I mean, I saw it all ... in clinical detail. A strange woman was inadvertently displaying her hooha at the company-sponsored Yoga class.

You know how when you do something embarrassing and then tell yourself that you shouldn't dwell on it for years because anyone else involved had forgotten about it? Well, I am here to tell you that is complete bullshit. I never forgot. This woman works in a different building, so I don't see her often, but when I do, I always think Oh, yeah, I saw her twat. It happened seven years ago. I think that every single time I see her. She might not be embarrassed for a couple of reasons. It's possible she is very proud of her vagina and doesn't mind flashing it or she didn't actually know about her beaver showing.

Either way, I think I permanently injured my neck by snapping my head in the other direction so fast. Yoga hurts, you guys.

The second story is about the time I was taking a weekly Yoga class with my former boss's wife. She was a slip of a woman. I am not. However, I was way more bendy than she was. She would get mad because I could hold poses she couldn't even get into because her muscles were so tight. Since I am me, I would tease her about it.

One night, and I don't know what pose it was, but she was struggling and I was holding my pose. Until I wasn't holding it anymore. I don't know exactly what happened, but one minute, I'm balancing like a pretzel and then next minute, I was flat on my face. My response, instead of quietly getting back into the pose, was to lay there and laugh.

The instructor quietly said "These things happen and it's good when you fall. It teaches you humility. It helps you to be humble".

My boss's wife had managed to get into her pose and was looking at me and laughing.

So I pushed her over.

I looked at the instructor and said "I'm helping her. No way is she humble enough".

My boss's wife thought it was hilarious. The Yoga instructor did not. She told me after class that if I did anything like that again, I wasn't welcome back.

I can't remember if I went back after that or not. I think I was afraid of getting put in time out.

I'll probably try to get into Yoga again one day. But in the privacy of my own home. I've belonged to gyms and have taken tons of classes and I've never learned how to be comfortable exercising in front of a crowd. Besides, I think I have Yoga karma coming to get me for the pushing incident.

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