Mike Pence said recently that he never has dinner alone with a woman who isn’t his wife. While it’s admirable that he holds his wife in such high regard, he’s making a lofty assumption that women are climbing over each other to dine with someone like him.
To review, Vice President Mike Pence is very strictly opposed to a woman’s right to get an abortion. On Thursday, he cast the deciding vote allowing states to defund Planned Parenthood. And he believes women serving in the military is a “bad idea” because men and women can’t control themselves around each other.
Who wouldn’t want to have dinner with this gem! But we Americans are nothing if not optimists!
So here are scenarios where I think women would actually want or need to have dinner alone with the Monogourmet, Mike Pence.
1. You need his help to solve a historical mystery similar to the plot of “National Treasure.”
2. You’re playing his wife in a made-for-TV movie about the downfall of the Trump administration. Pence is out of work, so he’s playing himself.
3. Someone bet that you couldn’t have dinner with all the Mikes, and you brashly accept the wager, because you forgot about the vice president.
4. You’re an avid skydiver, and during one wild jump you crash through the roof of the Pence house, landing at the dining room table across from the vice president as he dines alone. Until the paramedics arrive, you probably shouldn’t risk further injury by moving. Just enjoy this time with Mike Pence, someone who might care even less about your health than the roof you just crashed through.
5. You’re a Russian spy.
6. You’re the spirit of an ancient goddess from a long-forgotten realm, and, unbeknownst to him, you’re trapped within the jewel on Mike Pence’s ring. And when he eats alone, he chews with his mouth wide open.
7. Mike Pence has obtained shape-shifting technology, allowing him to look like a perfect stranger and go out in public without drawing attention to himself. One night, he shape-shifts randomly into a special person in your life, and goes to dinner alone. You see whom you believe to be said special person and sit down to dinner with a disguised Mike Pence, who must have dinner with you to maintain the charade.
8. Due to EPA regulations being eliminated, more and more toxins are released into the atmosphere. Coincidentally, you and Mike Pence, dining separately, both ingest a specific combination of chemicals in the air, and suffer powerful hallucinations. You believe he is your significant other, and he believes you’re his wife. To be fair, you have a lovely dinner together, but only because you’re hallucinating.
9. You are a time traveler and you’ve pinpointed a single moment in history that you believe is the cause of a devastating and disastrous future: a specific night when Mike Pence dines alone and leaves a really shitty tip. You disguise yourself as a very manly, patriotic American and convince him to let you join him. You offset his terrible tip and save the universe.
10. If you believe in the multiverse theory, then there are in fact infinite instances of all of us dining with Mike Pence. Forever.
The point is, ladies, no matter how fiery your passion, how great your lust, how bottomless your desire ― no matter how much you want him, Vice President Michael Richard Pence will simply never be yours.
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