Screw the Laws, I Am Following My Conscience Instead

In a recent CNN interview, presidential candidate Rick Santorum advises Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis to "follow her conscience." He believes that, if she wants, she should break the law by denying marriage licenses to same-sex couples. This is excellent advice. God's law trumps man's law. It is heartening to know that Mr. Santorum - and so many other Republican candidates for president - will not follow American laws in the Oval Office.

I am so inspired by Mr. Santorum that I have decided to convert to this new Kim Davis Conscience Christianity. It is a win-win. I can better serve my Lord and Savior, and He will be pleased with my devotion.

First, I will refuse to follow speed limits and stop signs on my way to church on Sundays. When I travel to church to prove my faithfulness to our Lord, I must not be slowed down or hindered in any way. I want to be able to focus on my God and I will not be forced to adhere to some arbitrary traffic laws.

I listen to Christian music when I drive. This, to me, is a form of prayer. Therefore, I will extend my new driving habits beyond Sundays and ignore traffic signs every day of the week. I want to be able to practice my religion without interruption at all times. Stopping at stop signs is a form of discrimination that we Christians must rise against!

Liberals will claim that I am putting others at risk. However, because I am devoted to God, I know that He will protect me. Sinners and heathens will just have to be more careful on the roadways.

I am an excellent Christian. I say grace before every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When I go to the supermarket to get food for my meals, I am practicing my religion because I am so thankful for God's wonderful bounty. Therefore, it is my right to ignore the '10 Items Or Less' signs at the check-out counter and purchase 42 items if I feel like it. God wants it that way. He also does not want me to wait in lines, so I will jump ahead of anyone who is waiting to purchase their items because my groceries are more important.

I will not pay sales tax on my food either. I will stop paying income tax, too. It is one of the greatest outrages of this country that, although churches are not taxed, churchgoers are taxed! This proves that regular Christians are being persecuted on a daily basis in America. I will not put up with it anymore.

I have been reading my Bible carefully for guidance, and I realize that there is so much more I should be doing to please my Lord. It is a great shame that animal sacrifice, which I believe God really likes, has fallen out of favor. I have decided to revive this beautiful tradition. Unfortunately, animals are not readily available in my suburban neighborhood. Therefore, I will use my neighbors' dogs. They bark too much and interrupt my bedtime prayers anyway, so I know God will be happy to have them sacrificed.

I work at the DMV and I will no longer issue driver's licenses to homosexuals. It is crystal clear that Jesus did not want homos to drive when he said, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." I absolutely refuse to have my religious freedom infringed upon when it comes to issuing driver's licenses to a group of people that Jesus obviously did not want driving automobiles.

I want to make sure that everyone knows of my devotion, so I will volunteer part of my week to pray loudly on street corners. I will do this during rush hours to impact the most people. Jesus said, "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them" and "sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by men." I interpret this to mean that I should practice my piety before men and should trumpet it in the streets. This may seem contradictory to some non-Christians, but that is because the liberal media is twisting their way of thinking.

This confusion is similar to the misunderstanding about Jesus' thoughts on divorce. He said "everyone who divorces his wife ... makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Many non-Christians interpret this to mean that Jesus had a negative view of divorce. But I interpret it to mean that divorce is just fine and not a problem. I have been divorced three times and I am good in God's eyes.

My three ex-wives might disagree with me. Each of them complained that I was too self-centered when we were married and that I never thought about her needs. But these claims are preposterous. How can I possibly be selfish when I put the Lord first at all times?

My conscience tells me I am right and all others are wrong. And God loves me for it.