Fall creeps in like a burglar dressed in black. The veil it wears-darkness. The days shorter and colder. Time falls back, activity slows down. Plants, trees and grasses go dormant. I was born during this season. My body in sync with the earth’s changes. I can feel it slowly slink in. It never knocks at the door, it invades. Subtly at first, as the summer peters out and July changes to August and August fades into September, inch by inch until it fills me up. Every year, constant, unfaltering.
Even as a child, the daylight dying days of fall used to frighten me. It was the effect that this season had on my body and mind. I remember that fear-like an old friend, forgotten on long summer days. I used to cry big crocodile tears-I didn’t know why. I just felt this overwhelming sense of sadness that the day was gone, each day faster-daylight fading. I couldn’t-didn’t understand it then. There’s an image in my mind of myself as a child standing near the picture window in our house that faced west. I watched the remnants of the sun’s rays sinking, dissolving, down, down, down. I cried then. I cried that I had lost the day, sorrow filled tears-a desolate feeling-like the sun would never rise again. In that moment, I felt irrepressible sadness. And if I think about that moment, I can feel so strangely and real the feeling that I felt then. It has never left me.
Some years were better than others as I grew older. But it was always there, that sadness that seemingly had no cause-reflective of the air and leaves growing crisper. It has always been a part of me, like a virus lying dormant in my system only reappearing for a season. It wasn’t until I was 21 that I learned this condition has a name. I had always suffered from anxiety even as a child. When I sought treatment for anxiety, I learned my condition is called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
Medication helps some but it is still there. I try to exercise or walk more. Keeping busy helps me lose the feeling of ennui that sadness brings. Again, it wasn’t until adulthood that I discovered I had low levels of Vitamin D. Taking supplements helps ALOT. This year, I started yoga in an effort to stave off the sadness. Meditation loosens the constriction depression places on my mind and I am better able to cope and focus on the necessary. But, I will always be affected by the seasonal changes brought on by fall and winter. However, awareness of this condition has helped me change my perspective. I now know it’s my body’s reaction to lower levels of sunlight and less activity. It’s not me. Being cognizant and respectful of the changes my body undergoes during this time has made all the difference.
