Second Guessing

The fears come in the morning. Early morning around 6am: here comes the second guessing. The fear of not having, the doubts of never succeeding, of living a life I am not in control of. Of having to go back to work at a job I despise to pay the bills. Because the bills are still there. Yes, my dreams are all well and good, but dreams don't pay the mortgage or the car payment. Here lies the battle. Do I succumb to fear and live the half life or do I risk it all and still fail and lose everything. The struggle.

I know, I know. You could work and build your dreams on the side. I have been doing this. That's why I call it the half life because I can be kinda, sorta happy doing this and still pay bills, but I am not completely my best self this way. I don't get the inspiration as easily this way. I am not as aware or in love with the world this way. I don't notice the little things, like how I am feeling or pay attention to things I should be paying attention to this way. Everything is all rushed and foggy and hard to access. Simply put, I do not feel I can reach my full potential this way. A lot of people never do, and who am I to think that I deserve this, being happy living a life that I want instead of what is safe. I am living in the fear of tomorrow instead of the gratefulness of today.

I don't know. I keep praying for the answer, but it doesn't come. I don't know what to do. The uncertainty is overwhelming and scary. Today I feel like nothing ever goes my way, like God doesn't hear me, like everything is always such a fucking struggle, and I am so fed up of it all. Yesterday, to combat the feeling I went to the ocean. Whenever I feel like this, the beach always helps, which it did, and I came home feeling hopeful. I found little confirmations everywhere. Even this morning I found little confirmations, so I know I am on the right track. But I don't know if I have the stomach to wait it out and see what happens, if I have the balls to risk it all or just play it safe and not be completely happy, but OK. Today I am full of doubts and fear and it feels horrible.