On Monday, the World Health Organization issued a report stating that processed meats, if eaten and not just used for decorative purposes, do cause cancer. The findings from the WHO's International Agency for Research on Cancer have left many carnivorous Americans stunned, wondering where to turn and what to eat. Many other serious questions remain:
What effect does wrapping a hot dog in that biscuit dough you get out of a tube, so-called "Pigs in a Blanket," have on the dog's carcinogenicity?
What if you wrapped "the pig" in a real blanket, something made out of a natural fiber, like merino wool, and then cooked it at a lower heat, say 300 degrees? Would that be less cancerous, or even health-promoting?
Secondhand smoke from cigarettes causes cancer. What can scientists tell us about secondhand bacon smoke? The IARC report doesn't address this.
Since many processed meats like bacon and my favorite -- Daniel Buttnugget's DownHome Breakfast Sausage -- are eaten during breakfast, do cultures that routinely skip breakfast -- like ISIS or elderly Floridians -- have longer life expectancies?
Scorched foods being bad, what about the people who set their marshmallows on fire and then eat the blackened rind sequentially until there is nothing left on the stick? Why don't these people develop tumors? Or do they, but they just get the invisible tumor types?
What is the life expectancy of cannibals living on the South Pacific's fabled Oscar Mayer archipelago, where they're eating people who themselves have been eating high amounts of processed meats? That can't be good.
I feed my dog BaconBones, which I can only assume are made up of slaughter house detritus that's scooped up and mixed with radioactive waste and other preservatives and then poured into bacon strip molds and cooked until rubbery. Are these doubly dangerous?
How do they get BaconBones to actually taste like bacon? Because they really do. There will always be some stinkers in any one bag, but most are spot on.
Why don't dogs live very long?
How are marshmallows grown, and is it true that they need a lot of moisture? They taste kind of dry, at least on the outside.
If preserved meats like pepperoni are so carcinogenic, how can these products live on a shelf for an average of three thousand years, and yet during that whole entire time they never develop cancer? You'd think they would. Some of them at least. Doesn't that say something?
What supernatural force causes the biscuit dough to come splitting out of the tube after you bang it on a kitchen counter? If it's a gas, has the WHO ever studied it?
What do vegetarians die from? Or do they?