Seducing Kim Jong Il: A Sort of Easy Path to Peace

From Kim Jong Il's official bio: "He wrote 6 operas, all of which are better then any in the history of music." Herein, I believe, lies our sure-fire solution to a peaceful Kim Jong Il.
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It's not every day that a unique and almost fool proof peace plan becomes available. I have stumbled upon one, and I feel compelled to share it.

After reading one despairing editorial after another about what, if anything, can be done about Kim Jong Il, it occurs to me that there is one sure fire path that is not being exploited.

I developed this unusual theory by reading Kim Jong Il's official bio...the one that is taught to every grade school child in North Korea. First a little basic background data. Not only was Kim Jong Il's father the "Great Leader" Kim Il Sung, but his younger brother drowned as a child and his mother died when he was seven. This puts Kim-Jay (as I like to call him) squarely in the center of a narcissism/grandiosity disorder that took roots in early childhood.

Using that as a platform, here's where his official bio gets interesting. "In 1964 he graduated from the Kim Il Sung University where legend has it he wrote 1,500 books, all of which are stored in the state's library." That's a book a day! Which makes him almost as prolific as Daniel Steele!! As someone who just spent the last couple of years writing my latest ONE book, I am pretty blown away by his artistic output.

But it doesn't stop there. To top it off, Kim-Jay leaves even Steven King in the dust when you read on to learn that in that same period of time, "He also wrote 6 operas all of which are better then any in the history of music," Those must be some pretty damn good operas!!

Like our current president, Kim Jay felt the pressure of living up to the legend of his illustrious father. But unlike George W., before Kim Jay became the ruler of his country, he had such high intentions for his artistic career that in 1978 he kidnapped a famous S. Korean actress and her director husband and forced them to work in the N. Korean film industry! Apparently he held them captive, while also paying them handsomely; Kim-Jay's version of a development deal. (And in reality not so different from those common to present day Hollywood. Except that the big Hollywood studios do not officially confiscate your passport.) ( Or didn't the last time I checked.)

When the director/actress couple that Kim Jay kidnapped finally escaped, the actress Choi en Hui characterized Kim as a "micro-manager." Herein, I believe, lies our sure fire solution to a peaceful Kim Jong Il. Because while I have never really understood politicians, if there is one thing I do know inside and out it is frustrated narcisstic people in show business.

Why can't the Dept. of Homeland Security team up with the National Opera Companies in all the major cities and give Kim-Jay and his six operas an on-going venue? If each of those operas begins touring on a constant national (and international) basis, not only will Kim be too preoccupied trying to placate cast members and extras while also negotiating with stage hands, set designers and union flunkies, he will not have time to think about nuclear weapons or anything else. He will also have no inclination whatsoever to bomb any place where one of his operas is packing them in.

Provided of course that the reviews are good. And with world peace hinging not on summit meetings but on good reviews, The Department of Homeland Security will have to begin a new division: an office of government subsidized critics. Since Fox News has long been accused of this anyway, perhaps the task can fall to them.

From that point on, it would be the civic duty of every patriotic peace loving American to spend one evening every few months attending one of Kim Jay's operas. Who among you would not rush out immediately to buy tickets if you thought it would save western civilization? It wouldn't even take that kind of motivating for me. Bad show business has always been my hobby.

Once that endless touring company is established, all that will be required in terms of maintenance will be for the big studios to take turns giving Kim Jay's operas movie development deals . While he lives day to day on the perpetual false hope that his work will get made in to movies, (like the entire city of Los Angeles), it will also present the United States with the best possible bargaining chip for all future negotiations. Currently we are asking him to get out of the nuke race "just because we said so". But once my plan is enacted it will be only a matter of the endless dangling of carrots in the form of back end, points, merchandising rights, etc....the same ones that keeps the entire city of Los Angeles humming. When he gets testy, all he will need to hear is that "Johnny Depp is very excited about the role of Ping Li, the coal merchant. But he feels it needs a little punch up and maybe a polish," And at that point we will be asserting the first really effective leverage we have ever had over him.

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