Selig v. America: Should the Captain be Kicked Out of the Avengers for Juicing?

All rise! The Supreme Court is now in session, the Honorable Chief Justice John Glover Roberts presiding.

"Be seated, everyone. I see that we shall hear a special case today: Selig v. America. Presenting for the prosecution, we're pleased to welcome none other than the Norse God of Mischief himself, Mr. Loki. Thank you, sir, for "beaming down," heh heh. That's a joke. Proceed."

"Thank you, your toadship. I present this petition from a sickly earthling with strangely immortal hair, who calls himself Selig the Almighty. On behalf of my client, we are hereby demanding that Captain America be banished from the Avengers."

"Ah, yes, the Avengers! I used to love that band! Um, refresh my memory. What songs did they do?"

"They are a team of super heroes, you earthbound clod. They periodically save the world, promote free market capitalism and hit on Scarlett Johansson, Captain America is their leader. Unfortunately, his powers stem from performance enhancing drugs, which are strictly forbidden under America's code of ethics."

"Performance enhancing drugs. You mean like Viagra?"

(In the judicial gallery, Anton Scalia bolts up from nap.)

"In a way. Originally, Captain America was a limp, scrawny runt. At a trading card convention, he met Jose Canseco, who hooked him up with Roger Clemens. He ended up receiving butt injections of an experimental Super-Soldier Serum, which today is marketed as Andro-Gel 5000. It transformed him into a superhuman dynamo. Even though Captain America was frozen for 70 years, his urine still tests hot. He's got more testosterone in one gonad than the entire Hoary Hosts of Haggoth."

"Excuse me, Loki. Justice Scalia is raising his hand. Yes, Anton?"

"Yeah, I wuz wondering where a guy could get some of that AndroGel 5000, you know, not that he needed it, but if a guy just happened to be, you know, looking?"

"I've got a male enhancement app on my phone, Justice Scalia, you twiddling twad of twerpness. Anyway, where were we? The juicing rumors started after Captain America bench-pressed 1,200 pounds, ran a mile in 73 seconds and hit 500 home runs in one season for the New York Yankees. That raised eyebrows. In fact, if he hadn't gone 0 for 18 for the Yankees in the playoffs, Selig would have banned him from baseball. As it is, I think he just wants the guy to stay clear of Scarlett Johansson. Yes, Justice Scalia?"

"Yeah, you don't happen to got one of those enchantment app things for Scarlett Johannson, do yuh? Or for that Natalie Portman?"

"I'll work on it. For now, though, I wish to call our first witness, 'Doctor' Tony Doom of the Acme Biogenesis Youth Restoration Clinic of Miami. 'Doc,' can you tell the court exactly what you were doing the night on June 21, 1939. "

"I was plotting. That's what I do. I plot. Captain America called. He was in a tizzy. He was convinced the Red Skull was using steroids, particularly radioactive spider bite venom. He feared the Red Skull would get the Cosmic Cube and put the entire galaxy under Nazi rule. Mostly though, he was upset because he had urine tests the next morning, and he'd eaten a bag of poppy bagels."

"I know how that works. Those bagels are delicious. So, doctor, what did you do?"

"I shot him up with enough juice to make Mr. Ed win the Kentucky Derby. He beat the Red Skull so badly, nobody used radioactive spider bites for the next sixty years. The world stayed under U.S. corporate control. Nobody complained, that is, until Captain America signed with the Yankees. That pissed off everybody. The Yankees buy pennants, you know? Here in Miami, the Marlins could have used a decent third baseman."

"Thank you, Tony. No further questions, your honor. But I submit that Captain America must be banned from the Avengers. He must not attend club dinner functions, vote for club officers, play in the club golf tournament and he must relinquish his parking space and super-secret decoder ring."

"They still use decoder rings?"

"A couple of them would still use disappearing ink, if they could find it."

"Thank you, Loki. I now recognize Thor, the God of Thunder, who is defense counsel for Colonel America. Thor, what do you say on behalf of your client?"

"Lo, this tribunal shalt be a shadow of a sham! Beware Loki and powers to delude. He hath used a "Blame America First" enchantment. If my client were Captain Jamaica, he could take his powers from smoking reefer, and nobody would complain. They'd think he was quaint. Captain America is beloved by his fellow Avengers. One has come here today to testify. My dear friend, state your name."


"Yes, Hulk, and what do you do for a living?"


"Indeed. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"


"Hulk, have you ever seen Captain America use drugs? No, let me rephrase that. Do you have any knowledge of Captain America ever attempting to buy, use or advocate on behalf of performance enhancing drugs? Wait, let me rephrase that again. Hulk? NO, SIT! HULK! SIT DOWN! PUT JUSTICE SCALIA DOWN! Well, I'm terribly sorry, your honor. There go the walls to the Supreme Court chambers. We can pay for that. Marvel Corp. has money. Sorry, folks. Hulk has gone on a rampage. All along, this was merely a plot by Loki. Hey, does anybody here have a number for the Fantastic Four?"