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I have been talking lately about what quality love making is all about with my clients. Great sex is about connecting with our partner at the level of body, mind and soul. And yet, as a sex expert who speaks with women every day, the preoccupation is around orgasm. They are sure that they are not having one, can’t have one, or even that the orgasms that they are having are not good enough. This feeling makes them feel broken, alone and angry.
You can read about orgasm almost anywhere. Watch a TED Talk, pick up a magazine, read a blog or turn on the Discovery Channel. You can learn all about how to have one, the longevity, the qualities of orgasm, and why you might not be having one.
I GET it. We all want to experience everything there is to experience around sexuality. And as one woman said to me recently, “Do you want to go to a movie and not see the ending? That is what not having an orgasm is like for me.”
But let’s take a walk to the wild side, and explore this idea of having “Organic Orgasms” and the real importance of orgasm in our sexual experience.
Let’s start first by acknowledging that there are different types of orgasm, and different experiences of orgasm. Let’s just say that for this discussion I am talking about all of the interpretations of language including: orgasm, climax, vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, full-body orgasm, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, G Spot orgasm and even “getting off”.
I am going to make a bold statement here: Orgasm is not the goal of every sexual experience and connection for either partner. We get so stuck on this idea that quality sexual intimacy must end in an orgasm.
What if we change our point of view about having an orgasm? Think of it this way: do you think that having an orgasm will always bring with it a feeling of satisfaction, completion, or nirvana?
I have found as a sex coach that this does not always hold true. Let’s go back to the book or movie metaphor: How many of you have read a book or watched a movie, and loved the story but felt disappointed in the ending? When the attention is just on the orgasm, you can get the same result. Pleasure is the journey, not always the end point.
I don’t mean to be the Debbie Downer of Orgasm, but I think that too women many evaluate their entire sexual happiness and fulfillment on their achievement of orgasm. And forget our partners! If women don’t have an orgasm, it’s often our sexual partners who feel that something is wrong not only with us, but with their own sexual ability. We have to drop achievement of the Big O as the standard bearer of our erotic happiness.
How about “Connectgasm” or “Pleasuregasm” or “Joygasm”. These all count too.
In my own personal life, I don’t have a need for my partner to orgasm. I don’t feel an obligation to “give” my partner an orgasm. I don’t feel an obligation to have an orgasm myself.
Sometimes, orgasm can really be besides the point – there is so much pleasure and intimate connection that can be found in taking the time explore sexual arousal as a meal in of itself. Having orgasm-focused sexual experiences can rob you from all of the different types of connections and pleasures that can be found in sexual intimacy.
The crux of what we are talking about when we use the term “Organic Orgasm” is an orgasm that is not forced simply for the goal of having it.
Unfortunately, the experience of orgasm is put out as the measure of success of a joyful and meaningful sexual experience. It’s like our culture views sex as a sporting event. Once we get on the playing field of sex, it’s all about running around the bases – with the sole purpose of hitting a home run. Isn’t that what we learned as young sexual beings with that entire concept of “hitting a home run?” Somehow, if we don’t get that orgasm, we feel like we lost the game.
I have another client that was so determined to experience female ejaculation that she worked with a hands-on therapist in a workshop for hours and hours and hours. She was going to experience this type of orgasm no matter what. Well, after far too many hours – she did. To me it sounded like a war. Not an orgasmic experience at all.
I contend that being “orgasm focused” can actually work against people having beautiful sexual connections and experiences. Why not let in sexual pleasure in all of its flavors? It is really NOT about having a “Climax” – even though climaxes are yummy when they happen! It’s really about drinking in the stages and sublime pleasures of arousal, touch and intimacy.
And I hate all of this new pressure to achieve a certain type of orgasm, that made my friend go to battle to get her female ejaculation!
New Age Sex Educators are running workshops on “G Spot” massage and Female Ejaculation all across the country. It’s not just important to have an orgasm, we have to try to have the latest kind. And all of this hype around the various types of orgasm can lead many people to believe that orgasm is ultimately the most important part of any sexual encounter. If we don’t have one of the various flavors of orgasm our lovemaking or sexual experience (even self pleasuring) could be deemed unsatisfying or a failure. So many of us are really missing the boat of what could be if we would simply stop running around the playing field, sit on first base for awhile, and just feel what we are feeling!
Let’s look at the forced orgasm versus the organic orgasm. When an orgasm is forced with the sole goal of the sexual encounter being the climax – there can be a significant difference in the quality of those orgasms on a deep and experiential level.
If the goal is simply to achieve orgasm rather than to experience all the different types of connection and pleasure that is possible with our sexuality, I would rather forego the forced, superficial orgasm. But I don’t like to eat fast food either.
Perhaps it’s time to re-educate ourselves about sexual pleasure. We have become such a goal orientated society that we often don’t look out the window on the train. It’s all about get where we think we need to be going – and it is often really the journey itself that carries holds the treasures for our mind, body and spirit.
I believe that the organic orgasms are the ones that nourish us. We just have to make room in our busy schedules for their arrival. They don’t need to show up during every sexual interaction – but if we stay on the path to connection and give up making climax the focus of every sexual encounter – we may find that organic orgasms- like organic, free range and slow cooked food- is more nourishing to our relationships. And we might begin to un-tap a new kind of pleasure that got lost in the rush to achieve the orgasm goal.
My advice? Don’t seek out the forced, goal orientated orgasm. Instead stay on the path toward organic orgasm, without attachment to achieving it.
Orgasms will come and go. That’s perfectly natural. Sexually, I think it’s better to stay on the path towards connection to ourselves and our partners.
“If we focus on staying on the path, that is to say, staying connected. It’s a practice. It’s about awareness, noticing when we’re on the path, when we’ve strayed, how it all feels. There are no As, Bs, Cs, Ds, or Fs. There might be flowers (orgasms) along today’s path, and there might be none.”
Pamela Madsen's runs retreats around the world to help women re-connect to their bodies and sensuous nature and is author of the book "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale 2011). Pamela's ground breaking work with women has recently been featured in "O" Oprah Magazine.