I went to a novelty party a few months ago. For those of you not currently living it up in suburbia, this is like a Tupperware party, but with sex toys. A bunch of women get together in somebody's living room, drink enough wine to float the Titanic off its iceberg, and watch a sales representative -- generally one of the moms from the carpool line -- hawk the latest in "pleasure accessories."
There was laughter, some of it quite nervous, as we were introduced to Comfy Cuffs and Kegel Balls. We saw vibrators clearly designed for aliens, with prongs in all sorts of illogical places. We squirmed -- literally -- as a volunteer donned panties over her yoga pants with a built-in, vibrating egg that was controlled by the sales rep from across the room.
Except for me and the friend who talked me into coming, the women in the room ranged from 30 to 40-years-old. They were stylishly dressed, either fit or adorably zaftig, with smooth skin and bouncy hair. Not the kind of women you would suspect needed advice on how to spice up their sex lives.
If they even had them. As the Pinot made its rounds, several people admitted to not being terribly interested in sex with their partners. "With a job and two kids, who has time?" one confessed. Others were "pre-divorce," preferred the gym (seriously?!) or had a mate who "would rather get high and play Call of Duty."
Still others were happy with their relationships, but used the toys for evenings when they were alone. "A bottle of Prosecco, a bubble bath, and no one to please but myself," was the prevailing sentiment. "Cheaper and quicker than a massage." "The only way I'll ever sleep with Christina Hendricks."
After another few gallons of wine, it was time for the quizzes. Pencils and forms were distributed, and people quickly settled down; this was a competitive group, and there were prizes at stake. Questions were organized by category, ranging from "Adventure" (planes, waterfalls, partner-swapping) to "Endurance" (how often do you orgasm?) and "Fetish Fun."
Guess who swept the room in nearly every category? The 50-somethings. Turns out these old mamas were getting busy in highly inventive ways long before there were Shades of Grey. Grateful Dead concerts, the Mile-High Club, Cafeteria -- back then was there any place you couldn't get laid?
The only category where our younger counterparts ruled the roost was "number of lovers." Apparently young women hook up more often than in the past, though they're far less demanding of their partners (the average number of orgasms was paltry).
In the end, my friend and I were crowned "Sex Queens" and given our pick of the products on display. It turns out that, 35 years later, it's still pretty hot around here.