Sex in the far recesses of human history was generally accomplished without the aid of toys or even without the knowledge that what one was engaged in had a name. Gradually, sex became much more sophisticated, and ultimately, knowledge about sex was available to the masses, who then wondered why everyone else was having a better time having sex than they were.
Fifty Shades of Grey, the 125-minute infomercial for the sex toy industry, has, apparently, influenced a lot of people to start thinking about sex in general, and sex toys specifically. Sites all over the web are touting the "Best Sex Toys to Try RIGHT NOW!," creating sex toy shortages all over town, and a growing sex toy black market. Life in the Boomer Lane, who knows that her readers like their bread buttered, will now present the "12 Sex Toys That Everyone Should Try," being touted by Refinery 29, a site that also has other nifty articles about a lot of stuff that terminally cool people should know about. Here, then, are the 12 sex toy products that you shouldn't live without:
1. Uberlube, the ultimate in lubrication, is hypoallergenic. Presumably, it is also gluten, soy and peanut-free. The downside is that it is tasteless (meaning undetectable by the taste buds, as opposed to being an indication of its being tawdry and low-class), thereby not being an option when one needs a snack and nothing else is around.
2. Minna Ola, is a vibrator so smart, it should be sold only to people in Mensa. It has "memory vibration" patterns, meaning that it can duplicate the vibrations the user requires and can be used to compose musical interludes for those times when one needs a break from non-stop orgasming. It also has a squeeze pad, "eliminating the need to fumble around in the dark to find a button." LBL doesn't know about you, but she is pretty sure that light wouldn't be critical to locate a button on something that is only about eight inches long (Note to readers: This last sentence was, in no way, intended to be used as an inappropriate and highly offensive metaphor).
3. The Blossom Sleeve This handy device has absolutely nothing to do with either flowers or articles of clothing, and so LBL will refrain from further description.
4. Leyla Lylo 2 is a remote-controlled vibrator, which can be activated from up to 39 feet away. This is especially handy when one requires sexual congress and one's partner is too busy doing taxes/surfing the web/changing the cat's litter/talking to their mother/watching the Bo-taoshi finals televised from Japan.
5. Moregasmis is a book that covers "every single topic related to sex." LBL isn't sure how the authors can accomplish this in a mere 272 pages, given that, according to a recent issue of Cosmopolitan, there are at least twice as many sexual positions, alone, which leaves no space left for all that other stuff that everyone knows about but you.
6. Babeland Massage Candle is a product that does double-duty. The candle burns and does whatever candles do. Then, through some complicated scientific process, one can safely brush or paint the melted wax directly onto one's partner, as soon as it drips off the wick. LBL is unclear what one is supposed to do after being covered with wax, but presumably, whatever one does, there hopefully won't later be a removal issue as resistant as that with LBL's expensive tablecloth, after a candlelit, holiday dinner.
7. Candy Colored Glass Dildo Far be it for LBL to critique a dildo, especially one that takes great pains to be pretty far removed from the actual object that dildos are supposed to represent.
8. Je Joue Mio LBL will leave readers to do their own research on this product, other than to point out that it is available at fine emporiums such as Mr Will's House of Thrills. She is not making this up.
9. Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant LBL notes here that there are two lubricants on the list. She is sure that each one must play its own very specific part in the drama of sex. Use of both at the same time should be tried only by bonded and licensed professionals.
10. Liberator Heart Wedge is a red, heart-shaped cushion that allows one to achieve all the sexual positions noted in Moregasm. It is also just a regular pillow that is heart-shaped and covered with red fabric. This is an example of brilliant marketing, a modern-day Dickie the Stick. It is also a potentially thrifty purchase for the consumer, as one can also use the Liberator to decorate one's couch or dog bed, and no one will be the wiser.
11. Icicles Daisy Plug Like the Mio, LBL will allow readers to do their own research on this product. She will only say that she, personally, feels it is quite unsavory to use the word "icicles" in conjunction with the word "plug."
12. Je Joue Mimi is a flat vibrator, of sorts, that is held between two people, preferably people who actually know each other. It would not be appropriate for use on crowded subways or when one is in a crush of people, attempting to leave a concert or sports arena.
As always, these products are meant for mature adults or for immature adults who have the cash needed for purchase. The manufacturer doesn't really care one bit who he sells toys to.
A final note to readers: It may help to know that of the 125 minutes in which 50 Shades of Grey slogs along, the time devoted to actual sex is 14 minutes and 17 seconds. This translates to approximate 11 percent. And, subtracting time for apparatus set up and breakdown, and taking into account battery changes, technical malfunctions, and time on hold before one gets to speak to a technical helper, actual sex time amounts to less than 1.5 percent. This should make all of you feel a lot better about whatever it is you do in your own bedrooms when there is nothing good on TV and you have finished the book you have been reading.
Earlier on Huff/Post50: