I took my family for a nice week long vacation in Miami over the holidays. We rented a condo in one of those all-inclusive complexes where you are steps away from the beach, a pool, and tennis courts. We were there we a group of friends and had a lovely time until the very last day when we were checking the apartment to make sure we hadn't left anything behind. My wife found something quite unexpected in the bedside table in a drawer neither of us had happened to open all week.
The place had two bedrooms, a den, a lot of South American art. It worked well for our family besides the lack of any real closet space. We wondered a bit about the full body mirror in the middle of the master bedroom with ten pound dumb bells stacked neatly in a position that made it hard to get to the shower without knocking them over and the stair master wedged between the bed and the sliding door to the balcony.
But we didn't think much about those details until we found the vibrator. Up until then I really didn't care about the big picture of Obama in the den. But now everything became a clue as we tried desperately to figure out the identity of the owner of this sunny little spot.
The key question, of course, was for whose pleasure this hidden hunk of electronics had been tucked away?
I immediately assumed that our bachelor landlord must have a girlfriend, or even a string of girlfriends, who he liked to satisfy with artificial stimulation. But my wife brought up the specter of our man's sexuality, whether he might in fact use the device with another man or even on a solo mission.
"That's crazy," I protested with my bravado only a true idiot can muster. "Guy's don't use vibrators. That's a girl thing!"
At the pool, and at more than one dinner table, we started taking an informal and less than subtle poll. There were lots of giggles but the results were pretty much the same. Most of the guys, equally unimaginative, were with me. The women were quite sure we all were in a state of massive denial.
I didn't want to consult the web, or my many gay friends, out of some fear for what I might find. Perhaps it was some lingering homophobia on my part or just a deep seated need to preserve my own virginity when it comes to knowledge of what sex toys are really all about. I have lived 45 years on this earth but had somehow remained remarkably squeamish when it comes to some of the basics of plumbing and sexual behavior.
Its been a couple weeks now and I have finally succumbed to the pressure of woman after woman telling me that vibrators are not just for vaginas. A quick trip to vibrators.com was all I really needed to know on the topic. Guys, it turns out, like toys just as much as gals.
I'm thinking maybe our landlord was a straight guy who just happens to like to use said device when his girlfriend isn't around. Who knows.
One thing the whole episode taught me is how little I know about what is going on in the real world and how quick I am to assert fact when all I really know is fiction.
I guess that is a guy thing too.