WOMEN

20 Halloween Costumes That Make Us Want To Ban Men

Please don't turn yourself into a terrible sex joke.
Yikes.
Yikes.

Sometimes Halloween brings out the worst in people. Like the people who still insist on wearing blackface and culturally appropriative costumes in 2016. Or the people who thought “Tranny Granny” was a good idea. 

For men, there’s even an entire sub-genre of costume that is just turning yourself into a terrible, disgusting sex joke. (More than they already are, JK! It’s been a long week.)

Below, 20 of the grossest costumes for dudes that just make us want to burn it all down.  

I do not think that mammogram means what you think it means, sir. A mammogram is not sexual. It’s not even pleasant. It’s getting your boob squished in a machine. Also, that’s not even how you spell “Seymour.”

“Rub me!” Yeah, no thanks. 

Lest you think nobody actually wears these kinds of costumes, this one actually has 5 reviews on SpiritHalloween.com. ZW, from Shreveport, L.A. says: “Went to a Halloween costume party and I was a real hit. Everybody noticed the costume. Several people commented. It was fun.”

Sure, because flashing is HILARIOUS and you know, not a sex crime. If you’re wondering what’s under that censorship starbust, it’s a penis. 

This one also has reviews. Says one San Francisco resident: “Great costume but will rub some people the wrong way. The appendage is quite large.” Jay from Buffalo adds: “The wig was messed up I had to use bobby pins to wear it.”

 

The product description on this one says, “Those three fingers will leave you well remembered among the ladies.” It’s true: We will remember you as a jackass if you wear this costume. 

This costume takes a beautiful family movie about an orca and turns it into something sordid. It is, however, currently marked down to $6.45. 

For reasons I can’t explain, I’m a little charmed by this one. Like, it almost brings things full-circle so that I can believe this guy is making an ironic joke about masculinity? Notice also that all of these guys have the literal worst expressions on their faces. 

I have so many questions about this one. Is the GOAL of this costume to get a woman to let you shave her vagina? And the fact that he’s been doing it since 1969 seems anachronistic. 

The ad copy on this one also gets truly unhinged, beginning with: “Do you love a good double entendre? Do you simply love to groom animals?” and ending with, “Add an interesting twist by convincing a friend or group of friends to dress as a beaver and carry a pair of shears, it’ll take the costume to the next level!”

Here’s what I really want to know about this costume: WHY A VAMPIRE? What does being a vampire have to do with a woman going down on you? Did they start from the costume name and work backwards? 

One thing I used to feel really good about is that we as a society had moved past “spank my monkey” jokes. At least he’s offering a discount?  

So many of these costumes are about tricking a girl into touching your genitalia. Like women are so dumb we’re going to be like “Oh, look a baby llama on your pants!” Perhaps the most disgusting detail in this entire post is that little sign that reads: “Caution! llama spits!” I read that out loud and six girls sitting around me just groaned in audible disgust. 

I like this one because it’s just SO lazy. It’s literally just a lab coat with a middling dirty joke on it. A guy who wears this costume isn’t even worth getting mad at. 

Get it? Get it? Because the hose? Here’s a detail I learned from reading the product description: The hose rises and falls when you lift and lower the ax. Fire extinguished. 

THANK YOU for making fun of women’s bodies with this hilarious Halloween costume! It really brings out the fun of the holiday!

A) That is not what a horse has there. B) I’m not sure I would even get this one if I didn’t know the name of the costume. 

 
 

This one just makes no logistical sense. Does he want us to blow our noses on his head? It’s a confusing pun.

There is nothing charming about the guy in this costume. The product description sums it all up: “This is probably the one opportunity you have to show your trouser snake at a party without getting arrested!”

Would throw it back. 

 

This costume is sold out, which I hope is due to insufficient supply and not exceeding demand. That hat says, “winner gets a free ride.” According to the product description, “You don’t even need to use the rings to play this ring toss game―people will be grabbing donuts, bagels, and whatever else they can find to participate in the fun!” I am concerned about whoever wrote this description. Wellness check?

 

I am starting to lose all sense of penises. I don’t even know what a penis is anymore. Could be a cobra, could be a jackhammer. I can’t tell. 

Nope. Nope. Gotta go, leaving life now. Byyyyeeeeeee.  

 
CONVERSATIONS