Welcome to GwynnandDaveShareTheirJoy.com, Gwynn Paley and Dave Maguire's Official Nuptials site. To continue, enter the GUEST I.D. and PASSWORD you received with your Wedding e-vitation. Please enjoy this short ad while the site loads.
Two blushing brides,
one rich, one poor.
Both have their hearts set on getting
married at the same romantic location.
On the same day.
Reese Witherspoon. Jennifer Lopez.
In love and at war for:
Opening June 14th.
Friends and Family! I can't tell you how excited Dave and I are that you'll be able to join us as we Pledge our Love! Below you'll find all the info you need to help us make this Occasion as Special and Perfect as we have planned.
E-vites are for the Guest only; there is no "implied plus-one." We're sorry, but it's a very small mountaintop, with limited ruins. We have gone to exhaustive lengths to achieve a proper mix of personalities, races, classes, ages, and orientations to insure a Fun and Romantic Event for all. So don't be surprised to find that your True Plus-One is already there! (Though just one plus-one per guest, please. Do you hear me, Erika?)
We regret, too, the no-children rule. Some of us feel that Children bring nothing but Joy to all occasions; others feel differently, and this is a discussion we've agreed to table until a later time. (Not too much later! Tick tick tick . . .) If it's any consolation, you'll be sparing your Little Loved Ones many painful inoculations, and then there's the whole child-slavery thing.
Upon arriving at the Aeropuerto Internacional Jorge Chávez, in Lima, look for the Aero Sendero terminal. It's a corrugated-metal shed. Sendero, your pilot, should be there (he looks just like Erik Estrada, had things not gone so well for him). His Piper Apache is completely airworthy, and, if it comes to it, somewhat seaworthy. After my father conducts a quick sobriety check, Sendero will wing you to a private airstrip on the shore of Lake Titicaca. From there, you'll travel via balsa de totora, or reed boat, to the island of Amantaní. Once ashore, llamas will take you up the mountainside of Pachatata (Father Earth), where you will be given a sleeping bag and assigned to a ruin.
A Few Travel Tips
- Do not let Sendero sell you any cocaine. We have made an exclusive arrangement with another supplier. Anybody wishing to partake of this local fare must contact Dave's brother Drake. If you fail to do so, we may find ourselves short a best man.
- Lake Titicaca is a sacred Inca site. Their god or something rose out of it. Mocking its name, or the name of nearby Lake Poopó, is considered incredibly rude and has resulted in spontaneous stabbings.
- Since Pachatata is 13,615 feet above sea level, you may not be able to breathe. We will have oxygen on hand, but in limited supplies, so, unless you are absolutely certain you are going to die, please be considerate of others.
- If you look directly at your llama, it will spit in your eyes.
You will awaken at 2 A.M. (it'll be too cold to sleep anyway) and llama it down Pachatata and then up Pachamama (Earth Mother). We should arrive at the peak between 4:30 and 5:30, depending on bandits, in time to witness the first light of the Solstice, at 5:58. The Incas believe that if you stare into the sun as it rises on this day you will be Reawakened to the Ancient Knowledge of the Cosmos. Hopefully this will distract you from the sound of the seven llamas being slaughtered. (Some of you will have to walk back. Sorry.) Following a brief sacrifice to the Dragon Fertility Goddess (don't tell Dave!), we will enjoy a traditional breakfast of potatoes and mate de coca, which is basically boiled cocaine and which I'm told puts Starbucks to shame.
The ceremony will take place at noon, officiated by a Genuine Quechua Shaman and, at the insistence of Dave's mom, Father Mulcahy, who has promised to keep his pagan comments to a minimum. First, Shaman Klaatu will ritually purify the Bride and Groom (good luck with that!), and then we will exchange Personalized Vows written by me with input from Dave. In Andean tradition, the marriage will be sealed with an exchange of shoes. (Luv those Incas!)
The reception is scheduled for 4 P.M., or whenever the llamas are done. We ask that after the ceremony you gather as much firewood and wild potatoes as you can. In lieu of champagne, we will be serving chicha, made by the island's women, who chew up corn and other things and spit it into an earthenware pot for fermenting. It takes a little getting used to, but consumed in vast quantities, as is the tradition, it can sneak up on you. Accordingly, the Shaman will remain on hand to perform additional marriages as necessary. Unfortunately, Dave and I will have to leave early in order to make our plane to the Galápagos. And please: if anybody ties beer cans to the back of our getaway llama, I will cry.
One Final Request
A lot of hard work and patience and tears and sexual compromise went into making this a Wonderful Celebration of Love. This is the wedding I've dreamed about ever since studying pre-Columbian civilization in the fifth grade. If you cannot enjoy and experience it appropriately, I ask that you strongly consider staying home with the rest of Dave's buddies. (That doesn't apply to you, Dave!)
This was originally posted in The New Yorker.