She's in the Attic

Say what you will about the latest female politician taking her runway turn in the right- wing spotlight, Christine O'Donnell is a lock for Best Newcomer in the Heavyweight Mocking Division. In less than a week she managed to introduce both witchcraft and masturbation into the national conversation. Sex AND religion. Or at least, variations on the themes.

As a Tea Party backed candidate, O'Donnell upset Mike Castle, the establishment Republican in the Delaware Senatorial primary, crowding Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton out of the headlines onto Page 6 below the fold. Isn't it a disgrace how the state of circus coverage has deteriorated as of late?

To say that her past may harbor some glitches is similar to intimating that David Bowie went through a few ch- ch- changes. O'Donnell doesn't just have skeletons in her closet, she has the entire bone army from the seventh Voyage of Sinbad. Makes the Cambodian Killing Fields look like a day care preschool toy box.

On TV back in the '90s, she spoke of dabbling in witchery. Which prompted the local Wiccan community to deny ever having anything to do with her. Wow. Disavowed by a society of witches. Wonder where that goes on her next mailer? Can't wait to see how that whole Puppy Stompers endorsement shakes out.

Now the former marketing consultant claims not to be a witch, ignoring the simple, trusted, time- tested trial. Throw her in the water. If she doesn't melt or float, no problem. Of course if she does melt and/ or doesn't float her chances of getting elected shrink dramatically. Notwithstanding Mel Carnahan who won a Missouri Senate race operating under the handicap of being somewhat deadish. But that was way back in 2000. Voters are more discerning now.

Founder of The Savior's Alliance to Lift the Truth, she cites the Bible for her theory that lust in one's heart constitutes adultery and one can't practice masturbation without lust, ergo, that too is adultery. Going to disappoint a lot of ones who specifically engage in the former to lessen susceptibility to the latter. Although today, you can't peruse a print ad much less watch Sesame Street without experiencing a soupcon of lust. S is for soupcon!

Mama Grizzly's protégé apparently forgot about a federal tax lien on her house and has been accused of criminally mismanaging campaign money. By Republicans. Who know a thing or two about criminal mismanagement. She also said she would never EVER lie even if Nazis asked her where Anne Frank was hiding. "God will work it out. She's in the Attic!" When we can't lie to Nazis, only Nazis will tell lies.

In response to her tour of Gaffe City, the GOP muzzle dropped like a mud chimney in a category 5. Same as Rand Paul and Sharron Angle. They start out making bizarre statements, blame the press for reporting what they said, then go into hiding lest the general populace discover that not only do the New Emperors not have any clothes but the voluminous boils enveloping their epidermis proves to be a bit distracting.

One can only pray that God will indeed work it out and allow Ms. O'Donnell back on the talk show circuit. She's a walking smorgasbord of kinetic satire. As they say in the military: a target rich environment, and we're swimming in extra clips. So, with five full weeks left before the election, the best may be yet to come. Just stay out of the attic.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political columnist who often tells jokes on stage.
His new CD, "Raging Moderate," now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
Coming next year: "Where the Rogue Things Go."