I cut my hair recently. Some of the first remarks I got regarding my hair were all along the lines of “looks great, fabulous, edgy, … short” or any other complimentary adjective you can think of. I’ve also been assured that, “It’ll grow back”, as if I was some foreign creature that was never told they can regenerate hair. After that, the second utterance was
“Why did you do it?”
Why did I do it? Well the attractive answer is, “it’s summertime, and I was tired of sweaty hair, sticky necks and severely tight ponytails.” which is what I’ve probably told those of you here who’ve asked. While it is true that I appreciate my new found breezy neck, it’s not the whole truth. The other sob story-esque narrative is, the pieces of hair that I cut out of insurmountable stress (I’ve always gained strange relief in the midst of anxiety from testing my hairstylist skills with my crayola safety scissors) became so glaringly choppy and uneven, to me at least, that even a whole army of bobby pins couldn’t handle them. Now the next question you all want to ask me is, “what could have possibly possessed you to cut pieces of you hair to the point of asymmetry?” and for that question, I have one simple two word answer, no cable.
The first thing I noticed last Thursday morning when I woke up, was that my phone was eating away at my data. Which could mean one of two things, technology is failing me, or my wifi is. After a dramatic stomp down the stairs, I demanded answers from my father, (okay I didn't really, I have some decorum). Begrudgingly, he informed me that both our wifi and cable, two vital sources of entertainment, had been cut because the optimum bill was four months overdue. Four.
Now by this point, I was near spewing a few irate words to my dad, but I refrained, and I analyzed the situation several times. By this point you all must think I’m ridiculous for being this livid over cable, well thank you for invalidating my feelings, but believe me it is much bigger than missing a cable bill.
This year had been my father's big spender year. He had gotten a few sporadic jobs that had raked in a great source of income, and we were the most comfortable we’d ever been. Or so I thought. Rather than saving the money for overdue bills or a rainy day, the first thing my dad did was get a fancy car, the kind that we definitely couldn't afford. Then he got a fancy flat screen for the living room. Then he bought tickets to a soccer game. Then he threw a big party for his friends to enjoy. Soon, the financial security rug we had all been standing on had been pulled right from under us.
I was baffled how he could so irresponsibly waste money on such superficial things. I spent hours trying anxiously to form a rational explanation, hence the hair cutting. Who was he trying to impress by buying all these shiny new things? Our neighbors who've always had nicer cars than us? My uncle who's flat screen has always been one of envy? Or his friends who've always admired his American Dream story?
He was trying to distort our appearance into a bourgeois, suburban, upper middle class family, that we just weren't. Rather than making decisions based on practicality, he was basing them on splendor. From here, I gained some empathy.
After all, my dad’s situation was no different from that time I bought those hundred dollar shoes that required all my birthday money, to impress that cute girl in the hallway, and not that cute girl in the mirror. In the end those shoes were stiff and pinchy and full of resentment. Resentment at myself for spending so much on shoes, and resentment at the person for not noticing my expensive, stiff, pinchy shoes that I desperately seeked her approval of.
So I ask all of you, who are we trying to impress when we buy fancy clothes, new shoes, the latest technology and other exterior items? If the answer is self gratification, congratulations, you’ve passed the psychological test I've just conducted. But if you are like me and my dad, you must make a change in your source of self esteem. Confidence in ourselves shouldn't feed off the judgement passed off by other people, otherwise, we’d end up with enviable but unhappy lives. When you think about it, the people you seek self esteem boosters from are searching for the same validation from you. So try wearing that ratty tee shirt that you love instead of that silk blouse, or try wearing that silk blouse if it makes you truly happy, just don't wear those stiff, pinchy shoes because chances are you'll end up with overdue cable bills.