I read an interesting article titled: “I’m a Mom & I Like Having Casual Sex – So What?” The article was written by a brave 20-something woman named Latifah Miles.
I spent a lot of time pondering the “so what” part. Specifically, ‘so what’ are women giving up when they choose this route? For clarity, I don’t judge based on the religious model of moral or immoral sexuality. But, I do hope women will seek more. Why? There is a strong correlation between women having emotionally connected full body orgasms and a peaceful society. Ok, go ahead and laugh, but stay with me, here. The 1970’s Hippies were onto something with their ‘make love not war’ slogan.
Often, casual sex is the opposite of making love. So then, Miles’ ease of having uncommitted casual sex made me uneasy. My unease bothers me because I agree with the sexual liberation movement. A man doesn’t get to claim a woman’s body for life with his penis as he moves on and does the same to the next woman. Yet, most women thrive with connected sex, right?
I agree that a woman does not, and should not, become asexual the minute she lies down on birthing table. This mindset makes me angry. Miles addresses this issue in the article: “When I gave birth to my child, the doctor did not mention that, unless I stayed in my unhappy relationship, my libido would die and my clitoris would shrivel up into a dried-up raisin.”
Am I being contradictory? Maybe, but my unease is rooted in the delicate dance between women’s liberation and women’s biology. This caused me to go into deep reflection on several of Miles’ points. So here are my ponderings, post below and tell me what you think.
Miles’ point #1: “Our society strips women of their individual identity and womanhood as soon as we become moms, and I’m not willing to trade one in for the other.”
Agreed! A woman is a person capable of much. Motherhood is one of many capabilities that women have. The sexual revolution of the women’s movement was an important step in women gaining personhood – free from being named, defined, and identified based on the sexual relationship to men. So, has this freedom just changed to a woman being defined by whether or not she has given birth? Isn’t that just an indirect way of men controlling women’s bodies through impregnation? Women should push back on this mentality.
Yet, still, women are biologically hardwired to seek sexual quality whereby men are biologically hardwired to seek sexual quantity. The skilled negotiation between the two drives should yield fulfilment for both genders. So, when women seek sexual quantity, too, does quality suffer? Is disconnected sex actually an expression of womanhood or just a self-imposed patriarchal sexual value that feels like freedom when we choose it for ourselves? Sex offers so much more than a temporary thrill when it is connected. Does that matter when a woman has a limited window of time for sex? What do you think?
Miles’ point #2: “It’s abundantly clear to me that women, whether they’re mothers or not, are judged for talking about enjoying sex.”
Great point!!! Latifah is clearly a responsible mother. So, the real issue here is that society ALWAYS makes reasons why women should not have sex. She is too young/old, irresponsible, unmarried, married but mistreated, immoral, STD fear, she’s a mom, etc. Every woman’s sexuality, or lack thereof, is critiqued. You can’t win – whether you are a mother or not.
But, judgement aside, ultimately, are traditional values more satisfying?
Miles’ point #3: “Shaming women for wanting to use their own bodies the way they see fit is absolutely ridiculous. Sex is a normal human desire that’s not exclusive to men.”
A woman should enjoy her sexuality as long as she can accept the consequences of her actions, like motherhood, as Latifah has done. Physical fulfilment is just as important as emotional and spiritual fulfilment. Asking women to be only sexually spiritual creates what is known as the heart-yoni split - whereby, women have sex from the heart and are physically non-orgasmic. Or, the opposite occurs, whereby women have physically pleasurable sex with their heart and emotions off line. Marriage or a committed union is not what unifies this split. Note that Latifah ended a 6-year relationship and was not ready for a new committed one. Most women, committed or not, have not received education on how to unify their sexual energy. So, even if Latifah had what society defines as a “moral sexual relationship appropriate for a mother” she could still be sexually unfulfilled.
More Ponderings…
I guess what unsettles me most is issue #3. When women “see fit” to settle for ongoing one-night stands, it often means they have given up on unifying the heart-yoni split. I do understand, though. There are not many places where women can talk about these issues and learn a better way.
This is why I am so happy that Master Yao Morris, author of Awakening The Master Feminine, in which he named a chapter: “One Trillion Faked Orgasms” has agreed to join us during our Body Peace Retreat this month. He will teach on how women can have pleasure without punishment leaving both men and women more satisfied. He will share ancient wisdom on how women can become full body orgasmic while dressed and stop the sacrificial (or destructive) relationship to our sexuality in order to positively relate to men and to ourselves.
I invite you to join us and ponder these questions while we all grow and learn a better way.