Tonight ten Republican presidential hopefuls participate in their first debate at Ronald Reagan's Presidential Library. Debate night? More like Date Night! We'll be participating in our first lecherous appraisal of their stern, tax-cutting hotness: Economics ain't all that'll trickle down, nngg-kay? My colleagues and I are rating the candidates on a scale of 1-4 fetuses.
We think Catholic Kansas Senator Sam Brownback is "intelligently designed"! Strict Sam is opposed to gay marriage and stem cell research, but on the upside, thinks the death penalty clashes with the culture of life, and advocates for the people of Darfur. Dig out your old school uniform! 2.75 out of 4 fetuses.
Awww yeeeah, it's former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore! Love the twinkle in his eyes. Jim improved Virginia's public schools, and named the first State Secretary of Technology. We're game for a little late-night IMing with him! 2.5 out of 4 fetuses.
Pucker up, baby, it's former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani! This Italian stallion digs crackdowns, emergencies, and the Yankees. Dislikes: the Mafia, dancing, and 9/11. The way he burns through spouses, we think he's fair game. Hey, Rudy, we need some "consulting"! 2.25 out of 4 fetuses.
Play that funky music, white boy! Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee's taking a page from Bill Clinton's playbook (gasp!), rocking out with his band Capitol Offense. Mike advocates for the troops and Katrina evacuees, and since losing 110 pounds for his health, he's become the lean, lanky bassist of our dreams! We love the light-show, too. See you in the van, Mike! 4 out of 4 fetuses.
Why, hello there! Meet California Rep. Duncan Hunter, the former Chair of the House Armed Services Committee. He's into building border fences, and anti-trade agreements. We're pro-this SoCal gentleman's sly sense of sophistication! Call us, Duncan: Our phones are on 'vibrate'! 2.45 out of 4 fetuses.
Arizona Senator John McCain has seen it all and heard it all... but has he done it all? We love a Navy man -- his POW heroism made us official residents of Swoon City -- and the Irish feistiness/snub nose combo is fabulous. On the downside, he's flip-flopped on a lot of his positions since putting his hat back in the race, but maybe that means he's open to experimentation? We love you long time! 3.15 out of 4 fetuses.
Texas Rep. Ron Paul, the Libertarian ten-term Congressman, is nicknamed "Dr. No" for voting against any bill that 'violates the constitution.' We'd let him violate us -- he's the only Rep who voted against both the Patriot Act AND the Iraq war. He does things his way, AND he's a doctor. Yee-haw! Disrobe and take a deep breath! 2.55 out of 4 fetuses.
Donny Osmond, watch your back! This is Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts, a.k.a. the smokingest (non-fictional) Mormon ever! Love the silvery sideburns and Sam Shepard-ish vibe. He cleaned up the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics and mandated health insurance for all Massachusetts citizens. Is polygamy definitely out of the question? White knuckle sandwich! 4 out of 4 fetuses.
¿Quien es mas macho? Why, it's Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo, the controversial hothead who's the right-wingiest of the GOP hopefuls. Angry-guy mojo has its appeal, but calling Miami a "Third-World country" and having problems with the Congressional Black and Hispanic Caucuses? Ay, Dios mio. 1 out of 4 fetuses.
Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson shows us his sensitive side. We loved his welfare, school-choice, and health insurance reform in the Badger State. The Health and Human Services stint? Not so much. But we do love bratwurst, and the soulful, Tony-Bennett-lurking-in-the-shadows persona rates him 2.65 out of 4 fetuses. Go Packers!