By: Wil Fulton
"Now is the winter of our discontent," said every sober person ever, and also Shakespeare.
But it doesn't have to be that way! Here to aid you through the bone-chilling pain that is attending Diwali/Christmas/Chanukah/Boxing Day with people you are forced to interact with through blood or marriage (sometimes both, if you're from Florida) are some delicious cocktails that can be cooked right in your Crock-Pot -- Crocktails, if you will.
OK, I know that name is awful. Just be thankful for an article that mentions winter, but has zero Game of Thrones references. Well, except for that one. Take the wins where you can get them.
(Definitely not Harry Potter™) Butter Beer
Inspired by a British wizard-orphan who shall not be named (because getting sued sucks more than double Potions class on a Friday afternoon), this addictive soda/butterscotch/liquor infusion is the sole reason I flunked out of Hogwarts junior year. I mean, um, "Generic Wizarding University."
- At least two 2L of cream soda
- 3 tsp butterscotch extract
- Whipped cream
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- Cinnamon (optional)
- OK, so pour all the cream soda into the crockpot first.
- Add rum.
- Add the butterscotch and vanilla extract and stir.
- Add whip cream to the top and stir (if you want).
- Cook for like, an hour.
- When drinking, feel free to add whipped cream to the top of your glass, and sprinkle in a little cinnamon if you are feeling spicy.
- Don't add actual beer to the drink.
Non-Denominational Rumchata Nog Explosion
Stocked with all the non-offensive, generic Holiday cheer of a Venti Starbucks cup, this eggnog-based cocktail will grab you by the Jinglebells and and twist them tighter than a Torah. Also, something about Kwanzaa.
- Milk (optional)
- More rum (optional, but highly recommended)
- 2 tbsp vanilla extract
- Cinnamon sticks
- Peppermint candy
- 1 tbsp nutmeg
- Fill the pot with eggnog, you can cut it with milk if you prefer it to be a little thinner (I'd recommend it).
- Add the Rumchata, and if you're trying to get saucy, a few shots of rum (I'd recommend it).
- Plop in some peppermint candy, cinnamon sticks, 1 tbsp vanilla extract, and1 tbsp of nutmeg.
- Cook for like, 30-60 minutes.
- Put your some extra peppermints in ziplock bag, hit vigorously with a hammer, rim your glass with the dust to get super fancy.
If you think everything listed in the title is delicious, buckle up, toss everything in the C.P., and prepare your tongue for the taste-bud banging of a lifetime.
- Hot chocolate mix
- So, fill most of the crock pot with milk.
- Put some coffee in there, doesn't need to be heated (I used cold brew).
- Add desired amount of whiskey.
- Put 1/2 cup of hot chocolate mix in there, stir with passion.
- Microwave a bowl of Nutella, drip it in there, stir with passion.
- Put marshmallows on top, and drizzle some more Nutella.
- Let it cook for like 3 hours for optimal flavor, or at least one hour if you are feeling antsy.
- Pour, and decorate top with more marshmallows and Nutella drizzle.
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