With Tina Fey off this week from Sarah Palin duty and Amy Poehler in the maternity ward, Saturday Night Live was left to spoof the Obamas and Sen. Joe Biden.
In the opening sketch, Jason Sudeikis played Biden and Darrell Hammond was Rep. John Murtha in a C-SPAN presentation of "Sen. Biden and Rep. Murtha Say Crazy Things In Johnston, PA."
TRANSCRIPT:
THE CONTENT OF THE JOE BIDEN RALLY COLD OPEN and the BARACK OBAMA VARIETY HALF-HOUR ARE BELOW:
CSPAN VOICEOVER - "Next, on "Road to the White House": earlier today, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden and congressman John Murtha spoke at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where they attempted to blow the election for Senator Obama.
DARRELL HAMMOND AS REPRESENTATIVE JOHN MURTHA - "How's everybody doin' today? Now before we get started, I want to clear the air about something I said last week, when I suggested that the good people here in Western Pennsylvania are racist. That's not at all what I meant to say. It's more that they're ignorant, and they don't know any better. Especially your older ones. They're just bone ignorant. It's like someone said earlier in the campaign -- I don't remember who -- that they cling to guns and religion, because they feel threatened. And that's so true."
JASON SUDEIKIS AS SENATOR JOE BIDEN - "Alright, Jack..."
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "I couldn't say it any better myself. But enough from me, I'm gonna hand this over to a guy you all know, the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden!"
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN - "Thanks, Jack. Congressman Jack Murtha, everybody! Let me tell you something, Johnstown! Two weeks from now, with the help of the people of Western Pennsylvania, we're going to elect a new President. President Barack Obama! (NOTICING SOMEONE IN CROWD) And I see we've got Pete Harrigan here today! Stand up, Pete! Good to see ya!
And let me tell you something else. And listen to me well. As sure as I'm standing here today, during his first few weeks in office, this brilliant young President, is going to be tested. Tested by an international crisis, the likes of which this nation has never before seen. A deliberately manufactured crisis, designed to test his mettle. Now, in this crisis, he will have to make decisions. Decisions that may at first, to the casual observer, seem ill considered. Our military may invade Pakistan. Or surrender to the Chinese. We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia. Or just destroy it, so it can't fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we're doin'. (NOTICING SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CROWD) Hey! Mickey Doyle! County Treasurer How ya doin?
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "If I could say something here. Earlier, what I said about Western Pennsylvania being ignorant. I was misquoted. I meant more, 'backward.' Your people out here just don't understand the modern world. 'Cause they're uneducated, and they don't have radios or that kind of thing. Also, they're racists."
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN - "Mark my words. If you take away nothing else from what I say here today, or indeed, in this entire campaign, remember this. If Barack Obama is elected, we will have a crisis. And when this crisis hits, and it will, in the second week of February, we may do some weird things. We may cede Florida back to Spain, or Alaska to the Russians. We may blow up every nuclear power plant in the country. We may set fire to Washington D.C.. We may round up all French-Canadians. But don't lose faith. It's all part of a plan. (SEES SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CROWD) Hey! There's Pat Reardon, a great assistant D.A. here in Greene County! Good to see ya, Pat!"
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "If I could, I want to say one more thing about the people of Western Pennsylvania. Has anyone here ever seen a movie called 'Deliverance?' No? Never mind, then."
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN -- "I'm going to say something else now, and I want you to mark well the words that I say. And remember that I said them here today. In the second year of the Presidency of Barack Obama, a young child shall come from out of the North, from a city of steel. And this child shall rule for a time. But the child shall rule falsely. In deceit. By the trident of Neptune, what I have spoken is the truth."
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "Joe, do you think this 'child' could be one of them Palin kids?"
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN - "Be silent. Mark well, as I stand here today, the Time of Trouble shall last one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. (SPOTS SOMEONE IN CROWD) Hey Phil! How ya doin'? Phil Malloy, head of the Steel Workers Local. But at the appointed hour, the Time of Trouble shall end. And peace shall come to this land for one hundred years. The mouse shall bell the cat, the lamb shall lead the lion, the poor and ignorant shall know wisdom and plenty."
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "You hear that, Western Pennsylvania? That'll be your time!" What happens after the one hundred years?
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN -- Beware the man with one sandal. He who is not of woman born. That is all I can reveal. The rest is classified.
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "Fair enough. You got that, people? Keep an eye out for a guy with one sandal, who's maybe a robot, or a test-tube baby or some kind of deal like that. But if you spot him, don't, you know, try to handle it yourself. Call the proper authorities!"
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN - "Gird your loins! By the beard of Jupiter, gird your loins!"
HAMMOND AS REP. MURTHA - "I think my loins are okay. I was just at the doctor."
SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN - "Good, good. As it has been spoken, so shall it come to pass. (SEES SOMEONE IN CROWD) Hey! Andy Brennan's here! One of our great county board members out in Fayette. Good to see ya, Andy."
CSPAN VOICEOVER - "We will now leave this event, and go to an Obama/Biden rally in Kansas City, Missouri, where former President Clinton is about to spend two hours recounting the achievements of his Administration, before he forgets to mention the Democratic candidate."
SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN - "And one more thing, Live From New York, it's Saturday Night!"
******HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE "BARACK OBAMA VARIETY HALF-HOUR" SKETCH FOLLOW
FRED ARMISEN AS SEN. BARACK OBAMA -- "Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am Barack Obama and this is my wife Michelle. This coming Wednesday, our campaign will run a special thirty-minute address on all four major networks.
MAYA RUDOLPH AS MICHELLE OBAMA - "This airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues."
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "However, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead - we decided now's the time to play it safe.
RUDOLPH - "Instead of a conventional address, we're going to carefully manage our lead and well, shake things up. .
(THE LIGHTS COME UP ON STAGE. THERE IS A LARGE SILVER "O" ON THE FLOOR OF THE STAGE)
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "With the 'Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour!' It's time to have some fun.
RUDOLPH AS MICHELLE OBAMA - "Because we got a lead in the polls and we built it up."
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "We built it up."
RUDOLPH AS MICHELLE OBAMA - "We built it up."
ARMISEN/RUDOLPH (TO THE TUNE OF "SOLID" BY ASHFORD & SIMPSON)
"AND NOW IT'S SOLID,
SOLID AS BARACK,
THAT'S WHAT THIS LEAD IS,
THAT'S WHAT WE GOT,GOT, GOT, GOT, GOT"
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "All your favorites from the campaign will be stopping by for songs and skits. Including House Democrats, Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and Rahm Emmanuel.
KRISTEN WIIG AS PELOSI (TO THE TUNE OF: C.S.N.Y.'s "OUR HOUSE"):
"OUR HOUSE, IS A VERY, VERY FINE HOUSE,
WHEN THE REPUBLICANS WERE IN CHARGE"
ANDY SAMBERG AS EMMANUEL/BOBBY MOYNIHAN AS FRANK:
"LIFE USED TO BE SO HARD"
WIIG AS PELOSI:
"NOW EVERYTHING IS EASY,
'CAUSE OF YOU"
ARMISEN AS OBAMA
And of course, a party is never complete without Bill Clinton.
DARRELL HAMMOND AS CLINTON:
(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF SIMPLE MINDS' "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME")
"DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME,
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T"
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - It's been a long campaign, so let's have some good old-fashioned fun with Senator Joe Biden.
SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN - "Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Barack."
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "So, Joe, I'm gonna ask, why did you say that if I was elected a foreign power would test me with an international crisis? Hey, what are you eating?"
SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN - "Oh this? (HOLDS UP A RUBBER FOOT) It's my foot...in my mouth!"
(THEY LAUGH LONG AND HARD)
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "You'll even see Reverend Jeremiah Wright and University of Illinois at Chicago, Professor Bill Ayers."
(TO THE TUNE OF: "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley)
KENAN THOMPSON AS REV. WRIGHT (with BILL HADER as AYERS on keyboards):
WHITE DEVILS BE CRAZY!
WHITE DEVILS BE CRAZY!
RUDOLPH AS MICHELLE OBAMA - "And some serious moments like Barack meeting the spirit of John F. Kennedy."
JON HAMM AS THE SPIRIT OF JFK - "Barack Obama. Over the years there have been many pretenders in the Democratic Party but you truly are the heir to my legacy."
HAMMOND AS CLINTON - "Guys, I'm standing right here."
ARMISEN AS OBAMA - "Bill Clinton, everybody!"
RUDOLPH AS OBAMA - "So join us this Wednesday for the 'Barack Obama Variety Half Hour.' I promise it will be...
ARMISEN/RUDOLPH
SOLID AS BARACK!
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