On Thursday, I knew that snow -- and by snow I mean the blizzard of the century -- was being forecasted for Friday night and Saturday morning. So, being the organized and slightly crowd-averse suburban mom that I am, I went to the grocery store on Thursday afternoon.
That night, my husband says to me, "You really should go to the store tomorrow. In case we get snowed-in. They're forecasting the blizzard of the century."
"Oh, I don't have to!" I replied enthusiastically, "I went today!" I have never felt more on-top-of things in my life. For once, I was the ant and not the grasshopper.
"Listen to all the stuff I got! Salmon, wild of course, and brown rice for dinner. Clementines and honey for desert. The kids love dipping them. For breakfast we have oatmeal. Or I can make eggs. And chicken and red pepper sausage. With basil!"
I continued, "There is a ton of snack food -- blueberries, a few mangoes, the strawberries looked good, so I got two containers of those, popcorn, those pistachios you like, a bunch of yogurt, and those baby cheeses that Ziggy loves. We're all good. Oh! And I almost forgot -- organic maple syrup to make sno-cones!"
He looked back at me, blankly. Paused a moment and then says:
"I don't want any of that. You know I don't want any of that."
And he continued: "You need to go to the store tomorrow and get stuff for me."
My husband likes to eat junk food, things that I barely even consider to be food at all, they are so processed and manufactured. In my super-supportive wifely way, I refused to buy any of it.
I shop for the family during the week and he shops for himself on Saturdays, putting that food in his specially designated "Daddy drawer." I really wanted to argue that I was not going back to the store on the stupid-busy-day-before-the-snow-comes-day, but then I figured, I'll just go. It won't kill me to be nice just this once, even if it is still really irritating.
I fight for a parking space, finally get a cart, and as I rested my elbows upon it, opened the email he had sent me with the innocuous Subject line: Friday Grocery List.
And this it what it said:
thanks for doing this honey!
i would like for saturday snow day:
white bread -- i dont care if there is HFCS or not
sausage -- MOTHERFUCKING BROWN N SERVE REGULAR FLAVOR FULL STRENGTH FUCKIN PIG NO-FRUIT SAUSAGE. links or patties.
microwave bacon -- oscar meyer is good.
some kind of hash browns / potatoes to make with french toast. they could be toaster hash brown patties, or it could be something you could make in a pan.
get a couple packages of tuna in a pouch for me and the kids for lunch.
can you get a bag of potato chips please. low-sodium if you have to. but otherwise REGULAR FUCKING FULL STRENGTH POTATO CHIPS. NONE OF THIS GREEN, PURPLE SHIT. REGULAR FUCKING POTATO CHIPS OF SOME BRAND IVE HEARD OF BEFORE PLEASE.
i would take some new england clam chowder from somewhere if we dont have some already.
Chicken breasts (THIN SLICED), or ground beef (80-20; ALL BEEF NONE OF THIS SICKO VEAL AND PORK SHIT PLEASE).
If you want to make pretzel crusted chicken, then pick up some pretzels too. REAL PRETZELS. WITH SALT ON THEM. MOTHERFUCKER.
Vegetable to eat with the chicken?
Dessert: Could you please pick up a package of the pre-cut toll house or nestle choc chip cookies in the flat dough that i like to make?
THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING EVERY SPECIFICATION ABOVE TO THE LETTER!!!!
For more funny stuff, be sure to check out the full list of Instructions for My Husband.
"How my husband writes a grocery list" was first published on RandomHandprints.com.