You’ve been putting up with crazy, unrelenting bad behavior for weeks, months or years now.
The person you love is unreasonable, irrational, completely self-centered and self-absorbed a lot of the time.
They’re a mess emotionally and physically. But sometimes, every now and again, they’re back to normal, and so you hang on.
You hang in there, hoping that this time it’s real. This time, they’re going to stop drinking or using drugs or shopping or gambling or gaming (or whatever). You have them back!
Or maybe you’re that person who just suspects something’s amiss.
There’s lots of excuses and bad behavior and then all of sudden there’s the making up, the flowers, the chocolates, the apologies. Then two days, weeks or months later, it’s on again. Sometimes it even sounds reasonable and plausible and yet there’s that small voice telling you that something’s wrong.
The cycle starts all over again.
Meanwhile, your life is unravelling. You can’t think about anything else except this person. How can you stop them? What do you have to do to make this right so that they don’t need to do x, y or z?
Maybe if you:
- looked nicer?
- lost weight?
- went to the gym?
- learned to cook?
- bought them a new __________ (fill in the blank)?
- said nothing?
- laughed more?
- went on holiday?
- had yet another talk about their drinking (using etc.)?
- joined in?
The list is endless.
All the while you realize that you’ve totally underestimated the power of their need for whatever it is they’re using. It’s so strong.
You have no idea what to do now.
And still, you’re not 100 percent convinced. A part of you suspects it and is reasonably sure it’s happening but you could be wrong.
And then one day it’s out.
The big secret comes pouring out and the admission is made.
Now what? What are you supposed to do now that your suspicions have been confirmed? All of a sudden it’s a whole new thing; it’s a reality. It’s your real life, you didn’t make it up.
So how are you supposed to get through this? Your darkest thoughts and dreams are actually becoming your truth? Before you could pretend that you were wrong. And what’s even worse is that what you’re dealing with has to become another thing you have to hide as well. It’s like you’re driven to keep the secret.
Don’t tell anyone.
Don’t tell anyone that it’s really, really scary right now. It’s just too real, just too true. And whatever you do, don’t tell people that you don’t know what to do.
Sound familiar?
Welcome to addiction. And, welcome to the other side.
The addiction conversation often centers around the person who suffers from the substance abuse or behavioral issue that’s ruining someone’s life. There’s not a lot of talk about the people who love that person. Those people ― the partners, parents, relatives and friends ― are suffering from addiction too. A person does not have to be the one who’s engaging in the activity to suffer.
Those people are living with effects of someone else’s addiction. And that’s a very hard place to be.
That’s also a place where recovery is needed.
The bottom line is that the behavior and difficulties that come with addiction are affecting your life and are causing you to feel desperate and without hope sometimes, and often very, very alone.
Here are a few things about loving someone who is living with addiction that might help you:
you need support too
your own life is getting pretty messy
the truth about what you’re going through will set you free when you seek support
understand that you didn’t cause your loved one’s addiction
you won’t be able to control it no matter how hard you try and no matter what measures you take
you certainly can’t cure it
you’re never going to be able to control another person
A word about support. Get help from a trusted person. Know that the kind of thinking you have now and the kind of thinking that has kept you in this state of mind is not the kind of thinking that will get you well.
You need to change your thinking. Yours, not theirs.
Along the way, you might need to change a lot of other things too. Recovery from addiction to a substance or behavior is a life-long journey.
Recovery from co-dependence is also a life-long journey.
A few final words about loving that person. This bit doesn’t get mentioned much at all.
Don’t feel guilty. You are not bad for loving them. It’s not bad to still love them even though you don’t love what’s happening to them.
It is possible to find peace even if they’re still drinking, drugging or engaging in some other behavior. That person’s life is still important and addiction is not ALL of them; it’s only part of them.
If your situation makes you unsafe, either physically or emotionally, get help. You need to ensure that you are safe. That is your responsibility for yourself and for any others who you might be responsible for.
Recovery from this side of addiction is possible. It’s available for you too.
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Need help with substance abuse or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
