I remember the first time I really felt my ambition rearing its head. I was 9 years old. An elementary school teacher suggested that a boy in our class would later be the High School class president, and I felt a deep fire in my stomach, roaring….it was my ambition, making itself known. I felt misunderstood and underestimated, because our teacher hadn’t even CONSIDERED ME or the fact that I might make a great leader!!!
In retrospect - of course my teacher didn’t. Growing up, I was too shy and scared to reveal my ambition. I was so totally average - had messy handwriting, got normal grades, sucked at sports, whatever.
But my ambition was still there, even when I tried to hide it. In the privacy of my own home, I exercised my ambition relentlessly...I created and tried to film an entire full length version of The Boxcar Children, I made spreadsheets for our Lego City detailing every Lego person’s career/financial/family situation, I wrote books and newsletters and even filmed a cooking show called ‘Gourmet Today’, I ran restaurants and orphanages and schools and nail salons and pretty much anything I could think of. With each idea, I made it as extravagant and outrageous as I possibly could. I LOVED having the ability to put my ideas into action, and to make my ideas as ‘big’ as possible.
I still feel this way about ambition. God, it’s literally SO thrilling.
When I consider the MOVEment or a new business or any kind of idea growing into something BIGGER (!!!!!!) because of my ambitious efforts, I feel like my heart is going to burst!! I LOVE the pursuit of working relentlessly to accomplish something - so much so, that I absolutely prefer the act of writing a book a million times to actually publishing it. The feeling of possibility lights my heart on fire! Even just writing about it right now, I feel the adrenaline pumping through me. God, I LOVE my ambition so fucking much. It keeps me on the edge of my toes and gives me the feeling that there is so much more to life - IT MAKES ME FEEL LIMITLESS!! Can I conquer all my dreams?! I DON’T KNOW! BUT I CAN FIND OUT AND SURE DAMN TRY!!!!!!!
Wow. I genuinely love my ambition. I really do. I am so proud of it - it is one of my favorite qualities about myself.
But sometimes…
Sometimes, I’ll wish that I was ‘normal’ and by that I mean that I was quieter and probably skinnier and less opinionated and more boys liked me.
Ugh.
My ambition is ENORMOUS and RELENTLESS and needs my attention and dammit - it gets in the way with it’s relentless NEED to be addressed. After all, if I wasn’t so damn ambitious and opinionated, then I would be more easy going and ~fun~ because I would be so agreeable and I’d never be more ‘intimidating’ than you and I would just be this small blonde girl who was cute and who wasn’t so freaking LOUD!
And then the comparison sets in, and I’ll look at other girls who are lucky (????) when it comes to having boyfriendS and then I’ll wonder, what is wrong with me? Why do most boys choose to hook up with me/lead me on, then end up dating another girl? Why am I not good enough to be in a super happy relationship?? What’s wrong with me??
And then, I’ll blame it on my ambition.
I know. It’s so ugly. I try so hard to only compare myself to myself, but man, sometimes I’ll really struggle. I mean, the fact that I ACT on my ambitions in a very public way DOES set me apart in some ways, as weird as that feels to say? Is that cocky? I don’t know? It does???
But, it isn’t necessarily a wrong thing to blame. We know that ambitious women are often viewed as unlikable...a thing that successful men don’t have to experience. And I’ve definitely experienced this firsthand. The interesting thing though, is that while I’m definitely disliked by middle school boys and men on the internet alike, I’ve experienced a SURPRISING amount of backlash from females! Usually, the dislike will stem even from so called feminists, who are very quick - sometimes even the first - to take down my ambitious accomplishments, criticize them without any exploration of my work, and disregard it! Again, this is without even a basic level of knowledge on MOVE or my book!
It honestly sucks. I would really love to be able to fully embrace myself and all of my ambition, without constantly feeling the weight of and pressure that comes with female ambition.
In truth, my ambition is something that I am deeply proud of, yet also highly ashamed of. I struggle to fully embrace it yet refuse to fully disregard it.
And I really do refuse to disregard it. I mean, I am going to be ambitious, regardless. I refuse to compromise such an important, amazing part of myself in order to be liked. And a lot of times too, I’ll feel really weird thinking poorly about my ambition, because I don’t REALLY want to be quiet and honestly I’m fine with my body (most of the time) and I can’t even imagine how boring life would be if I was truly ‘normal’ and fit in without causing any problems.
But I still struggle. Some days more than others.
It’s a good thing I am a work in progress, and believe in the value of being ambitious.
On a final note: For the record, I was our class Vice President for all 3 years I ran.
