“The more you know yourself, the more clarity there is. Self-knowledge has no end - you don't come to an achievement, you don't come to a conclusion. It is an endless river.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
I've thought a great deal lately about dating philosophy, especially as we continue to refine it and get closer to our truth. When traveling down the road of self-discovery and personal evolution, our energetic channels naturally shift. So it shouldn’t surprise us when the characteristics of the men we attract change. The more we nurture ourselves and practice self-love, meditate, get out in nature, do yoga or read inspiring works, the more men who share those values seem to “show up.”
My experience has also shown me the more we date, the greater our chances of meeting that someone special, if that’s what we desire to have in our life. I sincerely believe there truly are “great men everywhere.” And as we change our vibration and raise our consciousness, they’re more likely to meet us there.
I’ve been fortunate to get to know some amazing people along my journey, many of whom I’ve been able to keep as friends . . . and even when not, my life is richer for each one.
Writers, artists and other creative types often have a muse to inspire them, and I am no exception. I’ve had several. My editor and writing coach, Willy Mathes, has been a touchstone and source of deep wisdom for me, from the moment we met, and he offers me both validation and insight as I continue on my journey. Another man, one I dated and who is now a lifelong friend, sparked my brain and sharpened my senses and creativity for a very long stretch. Actually, I went out with him strictly based on one line of his dating profile. (I rarely, if ever, have “intentions” about people before I meet them -- I’m just curious by nature and wanted to meet the guy capable of the profile he had written.) There was this one phrase, “sense of wonder,” which I thought was a stunning encapsulation of my life philosophy. So I simply needed to know him.
We chatted before our first date and I could tell immediately he was “different.” We effortlessly moved into a level of conversation I had not experienced before, and I noticed an easy unfolding of our getting to know each other, rooted in friendship from the very beginning. (I feel this is the essence of “courtship” and a wonderful contrast to the digital, fast-paced world so many of us live in.)
Our first date still stands as my favorite first date, ever. He’s good-looking, sure, but he has a ton of jiva (life force), a super-sharp mind, warm heart and adventurous spirit. I was both wildly entertained by this potty-mouthed ski instructor/earthy yogi/business dude and blown away for our entire 3-hour date. For the first time in a very long time, I was intrigued by someone. I also felt a strong “connection,” the kind I tend to think exists between old “soul friends,” not necessarily a fit for more than friendship.
One thing I noticed immediately was his consistent use of very clean, conscious language. I’m a student of language and I appreciated it from the get-go. “I want to date you” does not mean “exclusively,” in my mind. It’s just, “Let’s explore each other, and take our time.” At one point, he was so clear as to even say, “I’ll be here 90 days.” I felt then, and to this day, he was fair to me.
A brilliant, discerning and happily partnered girlfriend of mine, Stephanie, asked me if I thought he was a “player.”
“No,” I replied, “I think he’s a warrior in a pirate phase, right now,” which is my term for a conscious man in a non-monogamous phase, if you will: exploring, growing and connecting through meeting people. “He loves people, needs a ton of freedom and says so. He says this all in plain language, if you can hear it.”
After further reflection, I added, “I also think he has a clear vision in his head about the life he wants, and he just hasn’t met ‘her’ yet (or the current conditions aren’t correct to pursue it in earnest) . But when he does, my sense is he’ll be a loving, passionate and protective partner.”
I’m very grateful for men like this, who consciously use clean, "non-attached" language. If you listen, there's no "mixed message." There is a message: "Be here, now, this moment.” Phrases like "your time," "date you," "get to know you," etc. speak to the value of being fully present with the person you’re grateful to have an opportunity to be with.
I recently had dinner with an old friend (who I’d dated long ago) and he said he was as “busy” as he ever wanted to be, romantically, while using very clear language about the fact he does not want monogamy right now. I love that kind of clarity. It’s a gift and good juju for them. It's also skillful, to use a Buddhist term.
I also don't find “attachment"—as in devotion to one person, a mate—with the right person to be a negative thing. I see it as part of my vision of love, and I still believe in that very much. That is, I’m willing to be monogamous to get to a deeper level of connection, something I don’t see as possible in polyamory. So, yes, it’s a gift, and I don’t take it lightly. In fact, I feel as you may, it’s part of my DNA as a woman. “A one-man woman at heart,” I’ve been called. It just needs to be the right man.
I like what my yoga teacher extraordinaire, Rachel Wright (yogirachel.com), recently said: “God is a musician, she likes harmony. And you can always ‘course correct.’” I see this as being relevant to “sorting frogs” becoming a more refined process. We’re naturally drawn to harmonize with those who we sense are a match with whatever consciousness we’re currently radiating. And yes, we are entitled to ‘course correct’ to get closer to our best life.
If you are open to a long-term, monogamous relationship, ladies, I’d suggest keeping your energy clear of anything not on your path. I’ve found it’s important for my heart and soul to keep clear of any vibrations that don’t match where I am and where I’m going. (I actually found it beneficial to do several rituals around this to clear the energy of anyone from my past. Google ”energy clearing” if you sense this might help you on your path forward.)
What I mean by this is choose to do something different: transition guys to a friend or move along all together, as soon as you recognize a dude is on a different wavelength. This does mean they’re “bad.” I see it more as part timing and part pure freakin’ magic to me, really.
The truth is, anyone "hanging out" with women who themselves are cool "hanging out" are also "hanging out" with other guys. It's an energetic bouillabaisse of "non-attachment" you’re exposing yourself to. And there is not one shred of judgment about this in me. (I’ve been there, too). “Water seeks its own level,” and we all get to say where we are now. But ask yourself: Do you want this? Be truthful with yourself, because only you know what’s right for you.
So, I submit that if we take “sorting frogs” to the next level and sort even the ones who are fabulously conscious frogs, we’ll get that much closer to the romantic vision we have. Accept the gifts, the time, the lessons, the alchemy, and sort away, Intrepid One................ You never know who might show up.