People have said for years that I will end up in the gutter. Little did I know it would happen when I went bowling with my 3-year-old granddaughter.
As part of Chloe's birthday celebration, my wife, Sue (known to Chloe as Nini), and I (Poppie) recently went to The All Star in Riverhead, New York, with our younger daughter, Lauren (Mommy), and our son-in-law Guillaume (Daddy) for an afternoon of fun and, I will readily admit, humiliation, which is inevitable when (a) you are wearing bowling shoes and (b) you are defeated by a toddler.
I must say in my own defense, pathetic though it may be under the circumstances, that I had not been bowling in years, while Chloe is a regular at the lanes.
Not only that, but she uses a special contraption that is designed to give kids an unfair advantage over incompetent grown-ups such as yours truly. Here's how it works: An adult places a bowling ball on top of this thing. Then a child pushes the ball down a ramp and onto the lane, where it rolls, slowly and steadily, until it knocks over some or all of the pins.
Did I mention gutter guards? They are used so a child's ball can't go where the aforementioned people have long expected to find me.
But none of that mattered because we were there to have a good time, even if, as required in order to use the lane, we would also be keeping score.
After settling in at Lane 20, we entered our names into the overhead electronic scoreboard: Mommy, Nini, Poppie and, of course, Chloe (who was playing with the assistance of Daddy).
My first ball, I swear to God, went straight into the gutter. I recovered enough to finish the frame with a 6.
I didn't feel so bad because Sue's first ball went straight into the gutter, too. In fact, her average roll traveled approximately four inches before the ball plopped into the gutter, although she displayed great versatility by throwing gutter balls on both sides of the lane.
"Bowling isn't my sport," she acknowledged.
But it appears to be Chloe's sport. After Guillaume placed the ball on top of her kiddie ramp, Chloe pushed it onto the lane and typically knocked over most of the pins. By frame 5, she had racked up a strike and a couple of spares and was comfortably in the lead when she pushed a button on the control device and wiped out all the information on the scoreboard. The game, essentially, was over.
"I am crediting your granddaughter with the victory," said the nice young man at the counter, likening it to a rain-shortened baseball game. "She beat all of the adults."
Then, sensing my humiliation, he gave us another game for free.
"Try to do better this time," he said with a smile.
I did try. Really. So did Lauren, a streaky bowler, and Sue, who continued to throw gutter balls and even used Chloe's kiddie device and the gutter guards in a couple of frames. They didn't help much.
In one of the later frames, Chloe said, "I bowl with Poppie."
She took my hand as we walked up to the line. Then she helped me throw the ball, which rolled straight down the lane and, incredibly, knocked over all the pins.
"Poppie got a strike!" I exclaimed.
"Poppie strike!" declared Chloe, who must have sensed that I needed assistance, so she gave it to me in the next frame, too. I got a spare.
That helped put me over the top. At the end of the game, my score was 114. Chloe had 99, Lauren 91 and Sue 42.
Chloe, clearly the best bowler in the family, showed a maturity beyond her three years and sacrificed herself so poor Poppie, utterly embarrassed in the first game, could claim victory. In short, she let me win.
I was bowled over. And, thanks to my granddaughter, I didn't end up in the gutter.
Stamford Advocate humor columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of three books. His latest is "Grandfather Knows Best." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
Copyright 2016 by Jerry Zezima