Spoiler Alert: New Star Wars is Just Footage of J.J. Abrams Playing Cards

In a stunning revelation for movie fans, word has leaked out that the eagerly-awaited Star Wars: The Force Awakens is just two hours of director J.J. Abrams sitting in front of a camera playing cards, reading his emails, enjoying breakfast and occasionally taking a nap. "All the stuff J.J. shot for the trailers just took a day or two," explains LucasFilm executive Harlan Van Harlan. "Then we spent the rest of the budget on the biggest damned digital satellite dish you've ever seen."

Van Harlan goes on to admit:

Abrams really had no intention of ever making a Star Wars movie, and wanted to concentrate instead on smaller, avant-garde projects about cowboys eating pudding. But, when the rumors started in January 2013, George Lucas didn't have the heart to disappoint all the fans and J.J. went along with it. Then, the thing just got way out of hand, so we decided to release something to theaters and figured that by the time people found out the truth, they wouldn't really care. I mean, these are Star Wars fans, you know.

Reactions from Star Wars fans who have seen The Force Awakens have been mixed, with Rebel Alliance and a Traitor blogger Diana Lefrum angrily writing, "This so-called film is an insult to the great Star Wars legacy and I will only see it ten times." Others were more positive, like semiotician Teddy Folltrop, who noted, "In a brilliant meta-narrative turn, J.J. Abrams has eschewed conventional genre spectacle, story, and characters for a trenchant Warholian essay on cultural consumption. At any rate, it's still better than Attack of the Clones."