<i>Sports Illustrated</i> Saves the World (A One Act Play)

OPEN IN THE OVAL OFFICE

Rove: Okay Condi, who let him have it?

Condi: He gets it in the mail every week, sir, it's actually the only thing he reads.

Dick: But he shouldn't have gotten this issue, this issue was different.

Condi: Believe me, if I'd known, I would have confiscated it.

Dick: Didn't you see the cover?! "Sports and Global Warming." Come on, Condi, tell me that didn't set off any alarms?

Condi: I'm so sorry.

Rove: Regrets won't help one bit. He's got it in the john with him right now. Lord knows what conclusions he's coming to, all hunkered down there.

Condi: There was no time, the mailroom boy came, G.W. took it right from him, said "Just gimme a minute." and then he was gone.

Dick: Well, thanks to your incompetence and those conniving editors of Sports Illustrated, we could have the President of the United States honestly worried about climate change.

Condi: Well, it could flood all of Florida, sir.

Dick: Along with every other coastal state, Condi! For Pete's sake, you know that and I know that, but G.W. doesn't need to know that!

Rove: That's just the sort of thing we've been trying to the lid on.

Condi: It's hard to keep track of it all, sir.

Dick: Think about it, Condi. Halliburton doesn't make solar panels, Halliburton doesn't make windmills. And Halliburton isn't worried about energy conservation. Or have you forgotten my "blind trust."

Condi: No, sir. Honestly, nobody regrets this more than me, I'd go in there right now and get it if I could.

Rove: Forget it, no woman's been in that room since Monica Lewinsky, but we may have to do something. He's been more than thirty minutes.

Dick: Maybe he only skimmed the article.

Condi: Well, he's never been great at reading comprehension.

Rove: For your sake, Condi, I hope you're right.

SFX: TOILET FLUSHING.

FADE OUT.