What in the world are "The Starving Games"? Curiosity got the best of me, having heard enough groans about this movie's mere existence, so I had to see for myself. Unfortunately, it's darn near impossible to find "The Starving Games" playing in a movie theater: a 200-mile radius search from my location came up with zero results. It was also 148 miles more than I was willing to travel for this one anyway.
"The Starving Games" is, of course, a parody of the very popular "Hunger Games" movies from the team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the two men who also brought you spoof movies "Meet the Spartans" and "Vampires Suck." I downloaded this movie off of iTunes and kept a running diary of what transpired. Here's how it went:
0:30 The Starving Games logo is a flaming onion ring with an arrow-pierced roasted chicken in the center, and something tells me that this will be the highlight of the movie.
0:46 The woman playing the Katniss part looks less like Jennifer Lawrence and more like Jo Polniaczek.
1:13 The fake Katniss just shot a James-Franco-as-Oz lookalike in a hot air balloon.
1:22 I'll say this for "The Starving Games," they only wasted one minute and 13 seconds of precious screen time before making a bad non sequitur pop culture reference.
1:45 The fake Katniss just bit into a piece of hardened bread and her mouth is filled with blood. Less than two minutes of this movie have passed.
1:55 Darfur and Syria jokes are always a crowd pleaser.
2:18 I think I've made a mistake.
2:48 I imagine that the auditions for "The Starving Games" go something like this: "Can I see your 'I just saw something shocking' face? Can you bulge your eyes out a little more?"
3:07 On a District 12 street sign, the word "fabulous" has the "fabu" crossed out in paint with a "y" added and this might just be the most clever thing Friedberg and Seltzer have ever come up with.
3:38 "Harry Potter references are still hip, right?"
"Not really."
"Should we include one?"
"Yes."
3:57 I just learned that the fake Katniss is named "Kantmiss."
4:04 I am resigned to the fact that I will have to type the word "Kantmiss" at least 40 more times today.
5:46 Diedrich Bader is in this movie.
5:57 I really have no commentary on Diedrich Bader one way or another, it's just odd to see a person in this movie who has a real name I know.
7:14 "Starving Games" just made fun of "The Hunger Games" by insinuating the idea was stolen from "The Running Man."
7:35 "How do we parody the 'May the odds be ever in your favor' line?"
"How about 'May the odds be never in your favor'?"
"That's dynamite stuff."
9:15 You might be thinking that one "Hugh Janus"-type joke as the names are picked for the games would be enough, but you would be really far off with that guess.
10:10 I don't think I like this movie.
10:26 A hamster in this movie just did the "eye bulge" trick.
11:27 The mockingjay salute in this movie is the middle finger, which is a coincidence because I was just making the same gesture at my screen.
12:31 I wish I was doing something else.
13:26 A joke about Oprah's weight was just made and I find myself nostalgic for James Franco in "Oz" jokes.
13:34 Honestly, how does that even happen? Is there a saying like, "If it wasn't funny in 1987, put in in your movie," that I am not aware of?
14:12 The countdown show unintentionally looks like it's being filmed in a high school gymnasium.
15:30 The first literal "needle scratching on a record" moment just happened.
17:25 Why?
17:28 The fake Katniss just stuck her foot into the fake Peeta's anus and I don't want to write any more about this scene.
18:10 There is over an hour left in this movie.
18:33 I wonder what sort of stationary I should use for my eventual "Starving Games"-induced resignation letter.
23:45 One of the contestants in the Starving Games just wedgied another contestant to death.
24:13 I really don't understand who this movie is for other than curious Internet writers.
27:23 I can't remember the last time I was this miserable.
28:34 Kantmiss just got hit in the head by an Angry Bird.
29:56 There is a talking orange in this movie that makes orange puns.
35:02 "I think we've run out of ideas."
"What if the mockingjays pooped on Kantmiss' head?"
"That's a really terrific idea."
"After that we parody the Double Rainbow guy and 'Avatar'?"
"Hey, it's 2009 somewhere, right?"
38:57 This movie's idea of a James Cameron impersonation is an old man screaming, "I'm king of the world" while throwing money into the air. I mean, sure, why not?
44:27 The guy who plays the Wes Bentley character isn't bad.
44:30 I can't believe I just wrote that prior sentence.
44:50 Kantmiss just "Tebowed."
47:30 The Gale character in "Starving Games" is more developed than he is in either of the two "Hunger Games" movies.
51:16 I can't believe this movie is still going.
55:25 I just realized that the fake Peeta's name is "Peter."
59:23 And so concludes the longest hour of my life.
1:01:32 A reference to "The Hobbit" feels almost as long as the first "Hobbit" movie.
1:06:01 Because this movie really was lacking a reference to "The Expendables."
1:06:13 The guy who plays Jason Statham isn't bad, actually.
1:06:45 Gale just showed up in the arena and killed The Expendables. I realize that sentence makes no sense but at the same time it supports my point about Gale's arc in this film versus the real film.
1:09:30 Kantmiss has killed Peter and the movie is mercifully over.
1:10:10 No, no, it's back. The Avengers have showed up because that really did have to happen.
1:11:21 I think it's over?
1:11:25 Nope.
1:11:45 There's a blooper real.
1:12:34 Someone actually said, "I'm positive that people will want to see the mistakes we made while filming 'Starving Games.'"
1:12:34 Watching these bloopers is honestly as exciting as if I had embedded a video in this post of me making typos while writing this live blog.
1:15:30 This movie has finally ended. Good grief.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.