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'Stay-at-Home Mom' Is Not a Real Job

Stay-at-home mom is not a real job. At most places of employment, when you take lunch, you're actually allowed to feed yourself, not spend lunchtime preparing a meal for your boss, cutting it into painstakingly small pieces, while he screams at you for not moving faster.
08/18/2015 04:48pm ET | Updated August 18, 2016
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I've heard the assertion made time and time again: Being a stay-at-home mom is not akin to having a "real" job. And as a stay-at-home mom, I'm here to tell you... They're right. I'm not sure why we're so set on convincing ourselves that the two responsibilities are worthy of sharing the same title, but they're not. Truth be told, being a stay-at-home mom is in no way similar to the rigors of holding a "regular" full-time job.

At most people's place of employment, it's likely that you'd be allowed to take a bathroom break. And chances are, during that bathroom break, you wouldn't be joined by your boss who is now attempting to lick the plunger.

At most places, when you take lunch, you're actually allowed to feed yourself. Not spend lunchtime preparing a meal for your boss, cutting it into painstakingly small pieces, while he screams at you for not moving faster.

If you do happen to get a small reprieve, it's likely that you will spend it checking Facebook or doing a mock fantasy draft, not eating PB&J on the toilet, while trying to remember whether or not you brushed your teeth.

Odds are, it's probably possible for you to have a conversation with another human being at your office, without them throwing food at you or crying, because you wouldn't allow them to eat lint.

And in all likelihood, when you momentarily take your eye off of your TPS report, it's not going to stick its finger into an electrical socket.

You're probably not forced to feed your boss dinner, while also tending to a younger associate, hoping that the former doesn't choke to death while you attempt to keep the latter alive as well. And chances are, while feeding that associate dinner, she probably won't suck on your nipples until they are cracked and bleeding. Because if she does, you'll likely have a lot of explaining to do to your spouse.

When you're closing out your work day, giving your boss a bath (naturally), most likely it's not a feat akin to walking on the moon to keep him from drinking his own bath water. Because it's a fair bet that there were some remnants left behind after that Depends blowout from earlier -- something your boss needn't inform you about, since you know, you were the one to wipe him.

And at the end of the day, when your shift is over, you probably won't spend your night trying not to collapse under the pressure, because what you're doing, and the manner in which you're doing it, has the potential to shape the course of another human being's life.

So being a stay-at-home mom is nothing like having a real job, you say?

Yeah, you're right. It's not.

But f*ck off if you say it's easier.

To read more from Jennifer, follow her on Twitter, like her on Facebook or visit her website at http://www.mordantmom.com. Warning: Not for the faint of heart.