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What's some good advice for people who struggle to handle their emotions? originally appeared on Quora: the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world.
Answer by Matt Bodnar, Investor & Accidental Podcaster, on Quora:
Emotions are a topic we cover a ton on The Science of Success and something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and working on.
What Do Emotions Mean?
Let’s start with two core ideas about emotions and what they mean.
(1) Emotions are unavoidable. You cannot avoid experiencing negative emotions - and by trying to or by pushing them down, ignoring them, and distracting yourself - you are actually causing these emotions to intensify and become greater. Trying to avoid experiencing negative emotions, paradoxically, makes you experience them more frequently and with more intensity.
Tal Ben Shahar - who taught the most popular class in Harvard’s history which was on Happiness - famously says that only two types of people never experience negative emotions - psychopaths and dead people. He has also shared a number of paradoxical strategies to embrace and accept negative emotions and improve your happiness.
Emotional perfectionism - or the idea that you should always be in positive emotional states - can cause some serious problems - and worsen the experience of going through negative emotions. Cultivating self compassion and a more realistic perspective that negative emotions are inevitable and natural helps tremendously (more on Emotional Perfectionism and Self Compassion in minute).
Your emotions are messengers trying to send you information. The sooner you accept that and listen to what they are saying, the better off you will be.
(2) Emotions are data, not direction. Negative emotions provide you with meaningful and relevant information that you can use to make decisions, prioritize, and understand that something is going on in your life. Listen to that message. But also know that emotions aren’t necessary correct or right - they don’t mean you have to go in that particular direction, but they are providing you with incredibly useful information that you should listen to and incorporate into your behavior.
In fact, when you look at high stakes performers like stock traders and professional poker players - they don’t try to remove emotion from the equation - they leverage their emotions to improve their decision-making process.
Why Are You Trying To Handle Your Emotions?
It seems to me that there are two obvious reasons you want to better handle your emotions:
- Performance
- Peace of Mind
Here are the key strategies for doing each of those (and there is a lot of overlap between these strategies as well).
Mastering Your Emotions For Peak Performance
I would suggest studying someone like Josh Waitzkin - a multi-time national chess champion who then became a multi-time world champion martial artist.[1] This guy knows what it takes to master both mind and body at the highest levels of global competition, and he wrote an amazing book about it called The Art of Learning.
Here’s an awesome quote from The Art of Learning that gets at the core of how you can work to master your mind and emotions:
“My whole life I have worked on this issue. Mental resilience is arguably the most critical trait of a world-class performer, and it should be nurtured continuously. Left to my own devices, I am always looking for ways to become more and more psychologically impregnable. When uncomfortable, my instinct is not to avoid the discomfort but to become at peace with it.” -Josh Waitzkin, The Art of Learning
Cultivating the ability to embrace discomfort and expand beyond your comfort zoneare the cornerstones of becoming mentally resilient and, as Josh puts it, psychologically impregnable.
You can practice the ability to embrace discomfort in, as Josh puts it later on in that passage, “the little moments of our lives.” It’s all about expanding your sphere of discomfort day by day and getting past what makes you uncomfortable.
Mastering Your Emotions For Peace Of Mind
Now - lets look at the two primary tools for mastering your emotions to create peace of mind.
The first is meditation. Meditation is proven again and again in the science to be one of the most effective paths of dealing with anxiety, stress, and negative emotions.
In a recent interview I did with Dr. Rick Hanson, author of the book Buddha’s Brain, which is about the neuroscience behind meditation, he shares a number of insights into how meditation helps deal with stress and anxiety.
The second strategy for mastering your emotions is self compassion. This helps combat emotional perfectionism and build an understanding that it’s OK to experience negative emotions.
The Science Behind Meditation
Coincidentally, meditation is also a tool Josh Waitzkin recommends as a keystone habit of his performance enhancement strategy.
Meditation, first and foremost, helps you see what’s going on in your mind and start to listen to the thoughts pinging around in there. This self awareness is the first step towards any kind of mastery. You have to know what’s going on and be able to actually see your thought patterns and mental addictions in order to have any hope of mastering them.
Here’s a bit of research about meditation:
- Meditation Improves Your Ability to Be Introspective (see here)
- Meditation Decreases Depression (see here)
- Meditation Decreases Anxiety (see here, here, and here)
- Meditation Decreases Stress (see here and here)
- Meditation Increases Compassion (see here and here)
- Meditation Increases Immune System Function (see here and here)
- Meditation Improves Your Ability to Regulate Your Emotions (see here)
- Meditation Increases Grey Matter (see here)
- Meditation Increases Brain Size In Areas Related to Emotional Regulation (see here and here)
- Meditation Increases Positive Emotions (see here and here)
- Meditation Increases Cortical Thickness In Areas Related to Paying Attention (see here)
- Meditation Increases Your Ability to Focus & Multitask (see here and here)
The Importance of Self Compassion
Self compassion is at the root of taking better care of yourself both mentally and emotionally. We often reserve the most brutal and severe self talk for ourselves - we say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to a close friend facing the same challenge, and we expect things of ourselves that we would never expect of anyone else.
Self-compassion is not woo-woo or soft - its very much grounded in psychology research. For example, Dr. Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist and author, discusses self compassion at length in this interview including the below statement:
“The idea of being self-compassionate can seem very woo-woo and very soft. People might think, for example, that being self-compassionate is about being lazy or it's about being weak or it’s about going easy on yourself. In fact, the research shows the opposite. The research shows that when people create a self-forgiving and safe psychological space within themselves, that those individuals tend to be more experimental, more able to take risks and to take chances, because they recognize that if they fail, that they still save their self-face. That individuals who are self-compassionate tend to be less weak, less lazy and, in fact, more honest with themselves and are able to get through setbacks and transitions more effectively.” Dr. Susan David on The Science of Success Podcast
Dr. Susan David goes on in that interview to discuss specific strategies for implementing self compassion in your life, beyond just the intellectual acknowledgement that it’s important, including the following passage:
“Recognize how you might speak to yourself, because, of course, we all speak to ourselves. We all have inner dialogue. Some studies show that we have something like 16,000 spoken thoughts every single day and many, many, many, thousands more course through our minds. So many of these thoughts are about ourselves. We will have a dialogue with ourselves where we will say, “You’re such an idiot,” or, “You’re being a fraud,” or, “You are not cut out for this.” A lot of our language is lacking in self-compassion, where we would not use that language with people who we truly love and yet we use it with ourselves. A first aspect of cultivating self-compassion is simply become aware. Simply start noticing the language that you use to actually attack yourself, and that's really critical. A second part of creating this felt experience of self-compassion, there are many different ways, but one of the ways that's frequently very powerful is when you’re going through a setback or a difficulty and you’re starting to be really hard on yourself, is to imagine yourself as a very young child running to yourself as, you, the adult and saying, “Oh my goodness! This happened to me today,” and imagine in yourself how you would treat that very young child, that three or four year old who's failed at something, who's done wrong at something and to imagine the kind of love that that child actually needs and the experience that that child actually needs of someone reaching out and giving a hug. That can be really powerful.” - Susan David on The Science of Success Podcast
Emotional Perfectionism
One of the biggest things working against self compassion is emotional perfectionism. This is the mistaken belief that you need to be in a positive emotional state all the time and can actually worsen your subjective experience resulting in behavior like “getting anxious about being anxious” or “being angry about being angry”, etc.
One of the most profound and personally impactful conversations I’ve ever had about smashing emotional perfectionism was this discussion with Megan Bruneau - which I highly recommend checking out. We discuss how perfectionism creates an illusion of control and distorts your reality, how to become aware of the critical inner voice at the root of your pain and unhealthy habits, the incredible power of self compassion, and much more.
Cultivating Self Compassion & Mindfulness
I would also recommend listening to this interview with Dr. Ronald Siegel, another psychologist with Harvard Medical School, where he discusses proven strategies for cultivating mindfulness and self compassion (one of the cornerstones of which is meditation) - for example:
“When we are hurting, when we notice that we’ve had a disappointment, we’ve had a failure, something hasn’t turned out well, which [it] inevitably will. Inevitably, we’ll have these moment of defeat, that we can just be nice to ourselves and give ourselves a hug, feel the feeling of vulnerability, feel the feeling of failure, and trust that that’s okay too, that it’s just part of the cycle and we don’t have to identify with that or believe in it. Because as it turns out, none of us are so great and none of us are so terrible.” Dr. Ronald Siegel on The Science of Success Podcast
Meditation, along with loving kindness practices, can be powerful tools for cultivating and building self compassion. So if you want to take better care of yourself mentally and emotionally, start with the simple act of being more loving and compassionate to yourself.
One More Tool… Emotional Intelligence
One last tool is building the skill of Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence is at the cornerstone of managing both your own emotions and understanding what’s going on, emotionally, with others. Dr. Daniel Goleman is credited with popularizing and sharing the concept. In this interview titled “How To Master Emotional Intelligence & Why Your IQ Won’t Make You Successful” Dr. Goleman discusses a number of critical ideas including the four pillars of emotional intelligence, how to develop emotional intelligence and how to cultivate emotional self control. This is another great resource for you to check out.
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