I don't have to listen to you! You can not tell me what to do! I don't like you! I wish you weren't here! You are not the boss of me! I'm telling my mom/dad!
These are some of the phrases a stepparent hears from their stepchildren.
The spouse is clueless nine times out of 10 on what they can or should do. They ask "can I" or "should I," "how would you feel if I?" Can I tell you something, stepparents? Please do! Please do what it takes to earn the respect and manners of a child you have to deal with on a constant basis. I have two sons from a previous relationship. One has his biological dad who decided to become almost non-existent. The other, his father, was killed the day before his first birthday, so my husband is his father.
Me and my husband were raised completely different. We come from similar but different backgrounds. For one thing, he is Caucasian, I am African American. The discipline he experienced from his mother was more gentle than the average discipline techniques of the typical African American home. His mindset is let them go, let them get away with it. What I consider as a smart remark from a child, he says is just an honest opinion coming from them.
My upbringing was speak when spoken to, eat what you don't like or go hungry, don't say anything back after you've been confronted by an adult otherwise it's considered having a smart mouth. My husband thinks it's okay if my son says he doesn't want to eat his vegetables. If I am not around, my husband will allow my sons to get away with anything.
He thinks I'm strict, I think he's a pushover. I think that we both should be sticking to the same discipline methods in order to keep consistency in the home. I ask him to adhere to the way I've been raising them before he entered their life. He does it, for the most part. My husband gets so frustrated because he wants to do so much in terms of disciplining my boys, but doesn't know if he can do half of what he thinks. He's a rough man coming from a few years of child abuse, so he gets angry quite quickly and reacts before he thinks.
That's where we clash. I feel like you should think about all surrounding circumstances of a child's behavior or actions before you decide on how to approach a situation. My husband is a "react now, feel guilty after thinking about it later" kind of guy.
We both understand that we need to patient, loving and caring parents because those were a few of the things that we both did not receive during parts of our childhood. My main concern is does the punishment or form of discipline you want to use match the behavior? Is the punishment going to cause great physical or any emotional pain? Will the form of discipline used cause the children to think that we're horrible parents when they grow older and more mature? Most importantly, is it something that we would or wouldn't want done to us as children?
They might not be his blood, but they are his kids too because we are in this together, so I say go for what is best. No parent is perfect -- even the biological ones! We level each other out because everyone makes mistakes during parenthood. We learn from each other!