“You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?” This is the sweet way that Stephanie Smith's boyfriend greets her in the morning.
The 30-something columnist revealed yesterday that she is the voice behind the food blog 300 Sandwiches, which chronicles her quest to "earn" an engagement ring through sandwich-making. Smith was inspired to start the project after her boyfriend, Eric Schulte, told her -- while they were watching "Return of the Jedi" -- that she was "300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!" So, naturally, what's a woman to do but get her butt into the kitchen and start slicing bread, meat and cheese?
As of this week, the senior reporter at Page Six has 124 more sandwiches to make before he'll put a rock on her ring finger. But after reading Smith's plea for a book and/or movie deal ... er ... piece in the New York Post, we mostly learned that one should never learn about love from people who trade diamond rings and lifelong commitments for sandwiches. Here are six reasons why:
1. According to Schulte, "sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex." We love a delicious sandwich, but sorry, dude, ham and cheese on rye is not an adequate replacement for an orgasm.
2. Smith's writing reads like a bad "Sex and the City" voiceover. "Was our happily ever after as simple as making him a few sandwiches?" she asks, most likely while looking out of her window over her MacBook and sipping a cosmopolitan.
3. Her entire narrative sounds terrifyingly retro. "Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife material," she writes. "If he wanted 300 sandwiches, I’d give him 300 sandwiches." (Note to self: never use the phrase "wife material" earnestly in 2013.)
4. Apparently, Smith's blog is actually just a race between her sandwich-making skills and her ovaries. "Three sandwiches a week, times four weeks a month, times 12 months a year, meant I wouldn’t be done until I was deep into my 30s," she writes. "How would I finish 300 sandwiches in time for us to get engaged, married and have babies before I exited my childbearing years?"
5. She feels the need to work after-hours to fulfill her sandwich-making "duties." "Even after covering movie premieres or concerts for Page Six, I found myself stumbling into the kitchen to make Eric a sandwich while I still had on my high heels and party dress," she writes. After a full day of work, we think you reserve the right to order dinner and/or sandwiches in. And please tell us that she made some sandwiches for herself throughout this process!
6. Her charming boyfriend wants the women of the world to know just how little we know about the men in our lives. “You women read all these magazines to get advice on how to keep a man, and it’s so easy,” he says. “We’re not complex. Just do something nice for us. Like make a sandwich.”
Did you hear that, ladies and gents? Every single person can stop dating right now, because all you need to find and keep love is a sandwich and the vague promise of a diamond ring.