Stephen Colbert Breaks Down Exactly Why Gandalf Doesn't Do Weddings

He shall not officiate!

Stephen Colbert channeled his inner Sauron to explain exactly why Gandalf doesn’t officiate weddings.

The Late Show” host and “Lord of the Rings” superfan broke it down after it emerged English actor Sir Ian McKellen, who played the character in the movie trilogy, turned down an offer to wed Napster founder Sean Parker and his now-wife, Alexandra Lenas, at their Tolkien-esque nuptials in 2013.  

“Damn right, Gandalf doesn’t have time to marry you, Sean Parker!” Colbert began by saying on Friday.

“He is the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame or Anor,” he continued, before ramping up the rhetoric.

“He killed the mother truckin’ Balrog, after chasing the ancient immortal demon through the tunnels of Khazad Dum until they climbed to the peak of Zirakzigil where he smote the demon’s ruin on the mountain side.”

So now we know. 

Check it out in the clip above.

Colbert has form in showing off his immense LOTR knowledge, as evident in this clip from early August ― when he answered audience questions on the topic to great effect: