I've been reflecting a lot about my rehearsals for my one woman show lately. I've had two or three since I last blogged, and certain themes have been coming up. One, is waiting. For years I've been waiting in doctor's offices, waiting for test results, and waiting for my life to change for the better. The theme is laced throughout the show. Because this show is through the eyes of me as an actor, there is also the idea of me waiting for auditions, waiting to see if I'll make it on stage at the end of the show.
Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, but it was also a day I had rehearsal, and also a day I went to the doctor to get results of major work ups for this new doctor I've been seeing. It was an overwhelming day to say the least. I think of suicide prevention, and I think of all the men and women, girls and boys who decided they couldn't fight anymore, and decided to take their own life. I've been so close to that moment countless times in my life, but somehow, I'm still standing here. My show is what has kept me going. You might think it would be the love and support I get in my life, or the idea that things will get better that has kept me going, but it's this show. This show is my guiding force, it's my greatest passion, and it has kept me alive.
Yesterday, like I said, I also went to a doctor's appointment for results. Results I've been waiting for for...well, years. The results were that I have ten different molds/fungi growing inside me, that I have Lyme Disease, leaky gut, various gut and sinus bacteria growing inside me, and vitamin deficiencies. This was all too overwhelming. They gave me over twenty new supplements to take, and it just felt like too much. How am I supposed to get better when I can barely keep all of the new medicines straight? How am I going to work this hard to get myself back to health? It's now my job to nurse myself back to health, and that's a scary thing. It's scary to know that you're the only one who has the power to change yourself. I think I've leaned on other people for so long, that taking control of my life seems impossible. But it can't be, I won't let it be.
"Stepping To The Side To Take A Look". The title of this blog post. It represents a lot of different things. I must force myself out of this pity-party mode, and look at my life as an opportunity to be the healthiest me I can be. "Steeping To The Side To Take A Look" also represents my rehearsal yesterday. As I rehearsed a scene that involves my PTSD, my director told me to attack it in two different ways. One way as me, looking down at myself and seeing "Anna" struggling. The other way was me being Anna, struggling. The way that allowed me to look down at myself gave me a certain level of relieving detachment from my trauma. It allowed me to remind myself that I am not my trauma, and my trauma does not have control over me. Just like these physical illnesses down have control over me.
"I Found That The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow". The title of my show, and my forever motto. This might be hard now, but I have the tiniest shred of hope inside me that this won't last forever. At least I'm not waiting for answers anymore. I have them, but it's how I run with them that will define my recovery.