Dateline - Washington D.C.
In an unforeseen fulfillment of President Obama's pledge to bring Americans together, conservative groups across the country are reaching out to former political foes to fulfill their own pledge to free Americans from the oppression of being brought together.
"And this is not about race!" says Wayne Cuttlefish, of Clokie, Texas. "This is just about a foreign citizen in the White House addressing unsuspecting American students with his foreign socialist message!" So, in that spirit, his group, Americans for an American America (A.F.A.A.A), has reached out to The Hawaiian Sovereignty Movement.
"Hawaii is now, and always has was a independent nation, " Mr. Cuttlefish said in a phone interview from his Rec Room/Headquarters/Bowling Trophy repair nook. "illegally occupied by imperialist Americans! Not only should them there islands be free, everybody ever born there - ever -- should be proclaimed -- from birth -- free, proud subjects of King Kamehameha XIV!" Mr. Cuttlefish insists comments about racism are baseless and offensive, and that the A.F.A.A.A. is simply "raising the question of any unreasonably dark, non-American citizen of an independent kingdom talking our kids into studying." Mr. Cuttlefish then began singing a national anthem of Hawaii -- which he had composed -- only to be cut short by his mother, who informed him that his authentic, though aquatic, scale model of Krypton City (from the 1978 Christopher Reeves classic "Superman") was leaking, and that some of its sea monkey citizens were on the kitchen floor.
None of the Hawaiian Sovereignty Movement organizations have responded to the A.F.A.A.A.'s offer of solidarity.
Coincidentally, from the other side of the continent another story is also grabbing headlines, as American Americans for an American America (A.A.F.A.A.A.) have taken on the President's "Cash for Clunkers" program. And in their fight against what the A.A.F.A.A.A. call "an anti-autoist attack on basic Americanism," have extended solidarity to New York City's favorite sidewalk welcome wagon, the Black Israelites.
"What kind of black man doesn't like a big car?" asks Reichsfuhrer Cindy Hemplewhite, of Queens, NY. "This totalitarian green redness from a half-blood President is an affront to all real black men, like the Black Israelites, whose unrelenting message of returning to their homeland is something the A.A.F.A.A.A. can get behind 1,000%." As she warmed to her subject Miss Hemplewhite's voice rose, and she decisively muted the episode of Hannah Montana she'd been burning to DVD. "The best way to empower the downtrodden black man is not to take away his Cadillac, but to return him to Africa as quickly as possible." When told the Black Israelites consider Israel their homeland, and that Cash for Clunkers was over, the Reichsfuhrer added "What ev."
"Not only, " she continued, "must we support them to go back to wherever they are from, driving those big cars they like so much, all black men -- even the half-black, and especially those born in Hawaii after 1960 -- should be legally declared retroactively "Backed to Africa... or where ever, and freed from the shackles of the White Man's citizenship!" As she spoke the Reichsfuhrer's cousin Brewster, president of the A.A.F.A.A. (America's American's for America's Americans), her aunt Bethtelda -- A.A.F.A.M.A.A. (America's American's for America's Most American Americans), and her boyfriend, D.J. Bizibody - A.N.S. (Americans 'N Shit) all loudly agreed with her passionate afrocentric auto exodus manifesto. "And this is not about race, she continued. "If it were would we be reaching out to these boys? No," she insists, " this is about the enforced involuntary retroactive self determination and car ownership all Americans hold dear."
"Bizi-backed to the homeland, jack." added D.J. Bizibody.
The Black Israelites had no comment.
Some, however, feel that more dangerous possibilities loom in America's future. In a press release slipped under the door of the Rocky Mountain Times sports editor, a group simply known as the A.A.A.P.F.A.O.A.N.T.L.A. states its goal of reaching out the the Nestle Corporation as an ally to "Save America from the Oppressive Breast-fed Obama Healthcare Dictatorship!"
"As all American's (A.) know," the note declares, "Both Adolph Hitler and Barack Obama (N.) started down the road to (T.) dictatorial tyranny with the same first sinister, diabolical step - mother's milk! That's what the A.A.A.P.F.A.O.A.N.T.L.A. is all (A.) about! And with Nestle - the leading manufacturer of artificial baby formula - we will awaken( A.) America to the impending struggle against Obama's Hitlerian Nippleist Healthcare Totalitarianism! Breast milk...Healthcare...invade Poland... then the murder of millions!" At this point the release becomes unintelligible, and is followed by some doodles, and a small drawing of Hitler and Obama playing laser tag (L.)
The Nestle Corporation had no comment.
Finally, in what some are calling the most surprising political turnaround since Jessie Helms' deathbed Kwanzaa birth, Orly Taitz, lawyer and "Birther" movement spokeswoman, announced that her organization, AMERICA (A.M.E.R.I.C.A.), will be reaching out to Planned Parenthood in her crusade against the idea of Hope for Change.
"Change? Not until all women have a right to choose can any American truly hope for change!" Ms. Taitz said through an interpreter. "The change we really need is from the question of whether this President was born in the U.S., to whether his mother, an oppressed woman, should have been forced by an uncaring patriarchy to carry a clearly unwanted fetus to full term in the first place!" Though traditionally A.M.E.R.I.C.A. has regarded Planned Parenthood as cultural and moral enemies, "We call on our pro-choice brethren in our struggle to free America from the oppressive, woman negating presidency of an unwanted fetus." Ms. Taitz continued, at a press conference at her dacha outside of Minsk, " Think of it -- A woman, married to an unreliable foreigner, finds herself horribly pregnant! Did she have the right, the choice, the hope to end this tragic misconception? And this is not about race! We simply want to respect and fulfill the obvious wish of our departed sister, and restore her choice stolen all those years ago by having her adult negroid embryo declared legally unborn."
"Change... Hope... these are just meaningless words from a man who should never have existed." she concluded. "And as a woman, I feel all Americans need to focus on the real issue of restoring the right of a brave, dead woman to have her accidental past pregnancy retroactively terminated. Only when the Obamination has been returned to the binding status of aborted fetus will this post mortemly empowered woman finally be able to get on with her death, A.M.E.R.I.C.A. able to get on with it's life!"
Planned Parenthood had no comment.