A new study released by poor, worrying mothers of the world shows that, in fact, it wouldn’t kill you to call your mother for God’s sake.
Released just days before Mother’s Day, the study is the culmination of decades of the phone existing without you regularly picking it up and calling the woman who gave birth to you, the woman who raised you, the woman who sacrificed so much to make you the person you are today.
Calling your mother results in fewer yearly deaths than even the most uncommon fatalities...
(# per year)
Mauled by bear in hot air balloon: 5
Accidentally walking into sun: 3
Suffocated by social media: 11
Receiving cold shoulder: 20
Middle distance stare: 14
Placing phone call to mother: 0
Mothers reachable by phone for your entire adult life boasted about the study to your aunt, adding that your siblings seem to find the time to call.
Fathers were not available for comment, but released a brief statement, saying, “You know how your mother is.”