Suck it, Canada Geese

Canada Geese are terrible, mean-spirited birds that scream at you for no reason, crap anywhere they see fit, and -- as evidenced yesterday -- have no qualms about taking a plane down.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

My college campus was filled with geese and their subsequent droppings. One couldn't take a step anywhere without stepping into their business or, at the very least, getting cackled at. Years after graduation, when I was a local news reporter, I'd often cover stories about how municipalities were trying to get rid of the animals by purchasing fake dead geese (to scare off the flock) so their beautifully-kept parks could be goose poop-free. Specialized dogs were also "hired" to bark the pests away. Nothing worked. Poop remained.

Keeping up with this theme, my current residence has a lovely beach area walking distance away. I don't bother. The vile geese have followed me here, leaving their mark all over the sand. The beachfront is a lovely perk, but the obstacle course to get there isn't worth the tan.

To cut to the chase, geese -- specifically Canada Geese -- are terrible, mean-spirited birds that need to fly far, far away as soon as possible. They scream at you for no reason, crap anywhere they see fit, and as evidenced yesterday - have no qualms about taking a plane down. Pilot Chesley Sullenberger miraculously landed US Airways Airbus 320 safely in the Hudson, but the birds created a nightmare for its passengers and the outcome could've been far worse. Personally, worst of all, these filthy animals have given my wife yet another reason to fear flying. There goes that Italy trip. Thanks, geese.

Whether it's annoying me or endangering the lives of others, something needs to be done about these geese. To poop is one thing, a terrorist attack is another. With their V-shaped formation suicide mission yesterday, President George W. Bush needs to act immediately against these Weapons of Ass Destruction. With only 3 ½ days in office left, he might not have enough time but at the very least, he needs to smoke them out. It shouldn't be difficult. They're often seen - everywhere.

If the current Commander-in-Chief can't lead, the new regime needs to set priority Tuesday and -- to take an old line from Sinead O'Connor -- "fight the real enemy." President-Elect Obama take note: these fowl creatures from the north need to go back where they came from or we'll use excessive force to drive them out.

Geese come here season-to-season with an agenda: cackle loud and poop anywhere. They eat our grass, they mate in front of us (get a room), and just because they're susceptible to arctic temperatures and waters (they were yesterday anyway), they think they're untouchable. We have a chance to let them know they're not.

Look, a lot of good things have come out of Canada. I enjoy a nice Anne Murray tune every now and then and believe Rick Moranis should be enshrined somewhere. I'm even told hockey is exciting to watch, but the geese have gone too far. Either they behave like normal citizens or get the hell out of here. Why not follow the example pigeons have set?

Those birds, pests as well no doubt, migrated here ions ago, but they at least know their place. They'll crap wherever they want, but at least, they realize just how dirty and irritating they are. All they do is bob their head (as if to say "look, we know we're gross") and often keep to themselves or simply fly away (a foot stomp usually works.) Not geese. They think their crap don't stink.

We have enough battles on our hands, let's first issue a warning , suggest some solutions (goose port-a-potties could help the cause as could specialized fly zones), and if that doesn't work, we can take action. I'd bet Chuck Norris would love to kick some goose ass. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. We don't need to enter into another mindless war.

Go To Homepage