Wish you could read your former high school classmates’ hot takes on tragic news stories, but don’t have enough time in your day to finish every last egregiously misspelled 50,000-plus-word Facebook status? Well, boy oh boy, have I got an offer for you!
Using my only two God-given gifts — speed-reading and the ability not to punch laptop screens while consuming imbecilic think pieces — I can read any Facebook status to completion and sum it up in a single, succinct thought. Consider it a highlight reel of your lowlife acquaintances.
Not sold yet? Here are some samples of my work:
Convinced now? Here’s how to get started:
2) Email receipt/proof of your donation to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet it to @aaronnemo. Also include a link to the Facebook post you would like summarized.
3) Sit back and let me provide the CliffNotes to your shit-for-brains cousin’s boyfriend’s ignorant novel.