photo by Michael Fertig
One year ago today, my mom and I quietly sipped coffee in the small family cafeteria at the Hospice House. It had been a long night. We wore our weariness like sack cloth.
There was a woman wearing scrubs, pushing a bucket from room to room. She cleaned the floors, but I sensed she was cleansing much more than the concrete.
She stopped at our table and asked, "How is she?"I shook my head side to side and said, "She can't seem to let go."
The woman paused, as if listening for something. Then she asked, "Do you mind if I share a story?"
"Please," I encouraged her and my mom nodded her head in agreement.
She took a deep breath and sighed before beginning. "I sit in my car each morning and pray for the patients before I come in. Today a female cardinal swooped down in front of my windshield. A brilliant red, male darted quickly behind her."
She took another deep breath and continued, "In that moment, The Lord said, "I pursue my children into their last moments. I am pursing My Beloved today."
Mom and I looked at one another then back at this angel in her royal purple scrubs. Mom said thoughtfully, "The St.Louis Cardinals are her favorite team. She's got a Cardinal blanket in the room covering her now."
Our angel smiled, revealing a beautiful gap in her front teeth, the kind that makes Lauren Hutton beautiful. "I think she will find peace soon," she said. "I will be praying."
We blinked back tears and thanked her. My grandmother passed away that afternoon.
Honestly, I had forgotten this story. How could I forget a story like this? I don't know.
It's crazy, right? But I had.
Until I was headed slowly down my driveway this morning, and a female cardinal swooped in front of my windshield. Then a brilliant red, male pursued her.
Yes. That happened. And I did not engineer these events. They came to visit me. The only credit I'll take is that I paid attention and let them comfort me on this bittersweet day.
Because...
It's possible that we do not think the thoughts at all, but the thoughts come knocking, asking, "Can I come in?"
This is superb news for people who like to be in control.
This is also superb news for people who think they have no control.
Why? Well, we're responsible and we're not.
We are not responsible for the nature and temperament of the thoughts themselves. We are responsible for how we respond to them when they come poking around. If we pay attention when they come knocking, we get to consider their proposition and what they're bringing to our party. Then choose if we will or we won't let them move in with us.
(Some will argue we have "no control over our thoughts." I've been a counselor long enough to hear this side of the story. I realize sometimes it feels like we don't. But really, isn't that just another thought (albeit a very bossy and controlling one). When it knocks it says, "I'm moving in and you don't have anything to say about it."
Unwanted thoughts can become our bad roommates when we invite them to stay.
Byron Katie, author of The Work, says it this way,
A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It's not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.
In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert says,
I believe our planet is inhabited not only by animals and plants and bacteria and viruses, but also by ideas... that spend eternity swirling around us, searching for available and willing human partners.
My brilliant friend, a retired psych nurse and prayer minister, describes it like this,
People are not overwhelmed by their lives, but by their lies.
And King Solomon says it this way,
If we can hold onto this possibility- that we do not create our thoughts, but they come and need our permission to stay- it changes everything.
Like the way it transforms this verse, You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You; because he trusts You.
Or how we are to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Like the way we are to fill our minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, right, pure, lovely, good, virtuous and praiseworthy.
What could it change for you?