In the wake of Secretary Rice's successful surprise visit to Lebanon, and following on other successful surprise visits to the region by President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Secretary Rumsfeld, the following additional surprise visits are being added to the schedule.

AUGUST 4 - The President will depart Crawford, Texas for a surprise visit to the White House to catch up on deskwork. Pool coverage; photo op.

AUGUST 17 - The President will make a surprise visit to the funeral of an Iraq combat casualty (location TBD; trip subject to poll numbers).

AUGUST 22 - The President's previously announced visit to the Waco, Texas Coalition for Privatizing Social Security will now also include a spontaneous motorcade stop at a public library, where the First Lady will brief him on the Dewey Decimal System.

AUGUST TBD - The President will make a dramatic unannounced visit to the site of a natural disaster. In the event no appropriate new disaster is available, the President will make an additional surprise visit to New Orleans.

SEPTEMBER 1 - Despite the announced August 31 end of his summer vacation, the President will make a surprise Labor Day visit to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Disclosure of any of these leaks of unannounced events will subject the re-leaker to offshore rendition, indefinite detention and Tony Snow's withering condescension.