Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it’s all about family and friends. Unfortunately, not all families come together as smoothly as the mashed potatoes. Some remain lumpy and dry despite all efforts.
Families often have dysfunction and that exists on a spectrum between “I can’t stand you” to “I can put up with you for two day.” Holidays and the stress that comes with travel and preparation often exacerbates mood irritability and enhances pre-existing issues that have been dormant for some time.
So as much as thanksgiving is a true American holiday, it can be very stressful too. In this blog, I will write about the dyad of mothers and daughters coming together (or not) on thanksgiving.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be born or raised by a mom that fits the description of hallmark’s mother’s day card. Some of those women chose either completely avoid their families and others will go dragging their feet for the sake of their children and will be reeling from its effect for months.
We are all too familiar with comments from such moms about, “Have you thought of going on a diet?” right after filling your plate with stuffing and asking you the save room for apple pie. These kind of mixed messages that claim to be expression of love are often heart breaking for the daughter. Through years of my practice as a psychiatrist, I have heard for many hours, stories of thanksgiving and Christmases which were sheer torture. Instead of food, mostly shame and guilt is served along with a side of criticism. Women often hesitate to talk about how awful their mothers can be, outside the safety of my office. They fear being stigmatized and labeled asungrateful. They have internalized the negative haunting voice of mom that they hear over and over again.
Even when they chose not to be with mom on thanksgiving, the voices echo in their head, “this turkey is too dry or the mashed potatoes could have used a little more butter, but I know dear how busy you are with your career and that’s ok” and right at that point you want fling the mash at her like an angry toddler in her high chair.
So for all the ladies who are ambivalent about tomorrow and already dealing with the anxiety of dealing with a toxic mom, I have some advice:
1. The first thing that you will do tomorrow is look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a smart and loving person and that you are thankful for who you are and despite what you have gone through. It’s amazing how women do so much for others but never list themselves as being thankful for who they are. Give yourself a big hug.
2. Make a conscious decision to turn off all the negative thoughts in your head. If they creep through, imagine a stop sign. If it still persists, write it down, to deal with after the holiday is over.
3. Stays hydrated and try to get a good night’s sleep. Don’t be hungry for too long. These are all triggers for irritability that can cause you to get riled up.
4. Remember you are the guardian of your own joy. Happiness does not descend upon you, it can be created. Created happiness is just as authentic as natural happiness. Use your favorite music, smells and flowers, aromatherapy or anything the lifts up your mood.
5. Show compassion to you and do not stress over small things say if you are cooking, like the sauce being too tart or for not having enough green beans casserole. People who love you will accommodate. Monitor your anxiety.
6. Remind yourself, it’s a holiday, a time to relax and enjoy. Don’t lose this fact in the details.
7. If mom gets started with negativity, intervene politely by changing the subject. If you have a spouse or partner with you, enlist their help. Stop any escalation in its tracks.
8. Monitor yours and others’ alcohol intake, disinhibited people aren’t fun to be around especially when you are barely tolerating them. Plus you don’t want more cleanup work.
9. Think of a mantra that you will repeat in your head. I like “not my circus, not my monkeys.”
10. If you start to feel upset, excuse yourself and do some deep breathing and relaxation exercises. Repeat your mantra, or carry some motivational quotes with you in the purse.
Yes, sometimes having a good thanksgiving requires preparation, emotional preparation. You are under no obligation to love someone who doesnot reciprocate.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and you know you have every right and ability to make it happy for you.